Why I NOW understand WHY SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE is WRONG.

 Okay, So we have learned or heard all our lives that sex before marriage is wrong, and that we should wait until we are married...
             I always thought that was so CRAZY especially after I started having sex... I was like there is no way people should wait to experience something so beautiful....
                                    But now that I am older I completely understand, Sex is a very powerful act. A very powerful display of emotion. The act its self should be shared between people whom actually care about each other....

I've heard endless people say sex is okay as long as you know not to catch feelings... But my question is HOW DO YOU NOT CATCH feelings for someone you just gave a piece of yourself  to?

Like honesty each time you have sex with someone your literally giving them a piece of yourself that YOU CAN NEVER GET BACK!! Why give yourself to someone whom doesnt genuinely care about you? 

For example, think of all the men or women you had sex with, if you were terminally ill or died tomorrow would they be at your funeral? Would they even give a damn that your sick or that you died? SOME MIGHT but MOST OF THEM WON'T because at the end of the day you were just a good FUCK (if they even considered you to be GOOD). 

I am going to be COMPLETELY honest here, I found myself catching feelings for men that I have slept with knowing these feelings are not genuinely there... It is very confusing, I started to feel like I had way more emotions towards people then I actually did... 

                                        Which is why sex should really be with someone you care about whom cares about you... Now I know were not all going to wait until we are married especially those of us whom have had sex, and have seen how beautiful it really is... BUT JUST BE MORE WARY of the people you choose to be with. Do not BE SOMEONES TROPHY piece of ASS... Do not allow these men or women to take pieces of your soul just so they can brag to the next man or women about "being with you". Stop allowing these men or women to make you believe they care about you so that you will sleep with them when they damn well do not care anything about you! 

I tell my sisters all the time just because you've had sex that does not mean you HAVE to have sex with every person you come across! and it is TRUE just because were SEXUALLY ACTIVE does NOT MEAN WE NEED TO HAVE SEX WITH EVERYONE... it doesn't AND I REFUSE to keep allowing men to enter my personal temple and take pieces of my gold just for the hell of it... naw BRAH I am not with it...  

 Now I am not saying that I am judging people who are having sex before marriage I am not judging nor am I telling anyone to stop having sex, I am clearly stating that I understand why I was told all my life I should wait until were married... It took me long enough to get the point... At one point I did not feel like I carried any feelings for the person I was active with, when I was younger I thought I loved almost every guy lol, and then I did not care at all. I guess as time progresses I am starting to see the real nature and emotions behind the act, and I am starting to see why it is so important to wait for the right person to give yourself to. 
    I do not care what no one says I feel like all women at least if not men too but all women go through a promiscuous stage, and did things we might not be proud of.. AGAIN I AM GOING TO BE HONEST WITH ALL MY BLOGS. 

So when I was like 15-16-17 those I would have to say were my toughest years, I was lost, and unsure of what I wanted and where I was going, and I was sleeping around... I felt like at that moment in my life that was the only thing I could control was how I partied and who I slept with... Now DO NOT GET ME WRONG... I was NOT JUST OUT THERE sleeping with everyone it was not OUT OF CONTROL... but now when I look at it it really was, I'll say within those three years I probably slept with 5-7 guys. Which is not a lot. BUT THE FUCK 15-17 MY ASS should not have been sleeping with no one... AT ALL!!!   I however do not regret the choices I choosed to make... I regret not understanding the power of sex, and how valuable it is, and how I can never get back what I allowed these men to have. But from every experience is a lesson learned... 

I am very grateful that throughout those years I did not get and std's, nor did I wine up with children. At least I was smart enough to use condoms. 

The moral of my story is,.. Sex IS A VERY POWERFUL ACT, and if your single... save yourself until your married or in a serious relationship... if your STILL A VIRGIN WAIT WAIT!!! I SWEAR sex is so much better when it is between two people whom both care deeply about each other... We ALL HAVE skeletons, I know who I am today and I do not allow myself to be judged based on my pass... I am not that 15-17 year old girl anymore, nor am I that 19, 20, 21 girl... I am me, I might be different tomorrow... WHO KNOWS but what I do know is I am worth the wait, and if mfs really care about me then they will RESPECT ME and will wait... and if they choose not to then they DONT CARE... were all worth more! KNOW YOUR WORTH PEOPLE... stop giving yourself away... waiting will be worth it...

So My vow today is, I am going to wait...I am single, and until I am on the right path with the right man my GOODIES will be kept in their bag! I need to be with someone who cares about me... not someone who is looking for a quick nut, or a quick fix, and I do not need to be looking for that either... 

December 2013! Hello

December is here!!! Christmas TIME!!! SEASON GREETINGS!!!! TIS' THE SEASON ETC! 


I cannot believe the end of 2013 is here, OMG! SO much has happened this year! 

        I am happy to get ready for Christmas, and New Years tho! I always TURN UP for New Years with my Best friend TIA we always have a good time! Christmas this year should be good too all of my siblings are supposed to be together for Christmas, so it should be fun and interesting. 

                     However I do have some things on my mind to address... I am getting older every year... And the less time I have to waste.... MEANING ALL DRAMA family, friend, fb, work ETC I do not want any part of... it is only wasting my time, and I do not have much time left to waste... Like Im not where I need or want to be in my life right now, so I will be damned if I waste anymore time with bullshit....

       With our family and friends we need to learn where to draw the line in their personal lifes. Like of course we all want the best for our family, and friends... we all want the people we associate with to carry themselves a certian way, but we cannot make anyone do anything!

      I will not get into relationship issues that do not directly affect my life, NOW I MIGHT GIVE A COMMENT or put my FEEDBACK in the situation but I am not going to full blown argue with ANYONE about THEIR RELATIONSHIPS.... its not my business... WHy get all worked up about what the next mf is doing in their relationship... they gone do what they want to do I cannot nor will not even try to control it... Its not my relationship its not my life... 

    Their is a fine line you can cross when referencing friends/family's relationships... I know where the line is and I choose not to cross it because it is not my business...

That does NOT MEAN I am okay with a situation or I do not care that it has happened but I am not going to waste my energy being upset about it... I can't I do not have time for it... 

This is the END OF 2013 I want to end it on a POSITIVE NOTE WITH MY SIBLINGS that is all, I am ready for the NEW YEAR, and I am hoping to get alot of things accomplished for 2014 so that I am OWN 2015!!!! yes I am being optimistic very but hey there is alot of things I HAVE TO GET DONE, and I am HOPING within 2014 everything will get done!!!! 

TIS THE SEASON!!!!

Stresses / OVERWHELMED / GOING NUTS

Stress: a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or very demanding circumstances. 

Now, I know the true meaning of STRESS, not only from the definition I posted above, but yet from the fact I am going through it right NOW!!

For the past few years, I was attending school online (college that is) and I got to where I only needed nine more credits to have my Associates Degree in Human Services Management, well six of those credits were math class's (in which is a area or where I struggle) and of course I struggled, I could not seem to be able to get through the classes online. At that moment I decided I would go to a community college, and finish off my schooling. 

Who would have thought it would be that much different then going to school online? I did not think there would be much of a difference besides actually going to school, and seeing my classmates in person instead of pictures online. 

Well WEll the result here is that working full time, and going to school is not as easy as I thought it would be. Going to an actual school is a lot more demanding then it is online, online you decided when you went to class and at what time, you just needed to make sure all your assignments, and such were turned in on time. As to going to a local school you have set days you have to be in class, and if you miss them its marking your grade down each class missed. 

It is hard! I work second shift, and one would think the latest they are getting out would maybe be 1am. NOOOOO were lucky if we get out at one, and I am serious when I say lucky. BUT DO NOT GET ME WRONG I LOVE LOVE LOVE MY JOB! I really do I work for an amazing company, my manager is amazing, all my co-workers are amazing, everyone gets along good, we all work well together. I could not ask or a better working environment (maybe a warmer one) but definitely not a better one. 

So lets do some calculations here, I am working from 3pm until lets say 2:30am the latest, then I have classes some days at 9am and some days at 7:45am, my 9am classes go from 11 to 12:30 and my 7:45am class goes until 9:15 grant I live in one city, I work in another, and go to school in another. SO the travel time from my house to school is about 30 mins, and about the same from my house to work.

In between work and school I also have a puppy Named Baby! and she is my bundle of joy so I have to make sure she is well taken care of in between times. Which that is where I could be napping, but no I have my baby to take care of... SO we have SCHOOL/WORK/And a DOG...

Yeah Im living the stress  

So in the mist of everything I am kind of going crazy... I think I am doing okay but I am not doing well enough... I listen to Steve Harvey in the Morning, and he said "One that is more concerned about how much sleep they get are never going to be successful" and it is true, If your spending all this time sleeping, and not doing what you need to do to get where you need to be how are you ever going to get to where you want to be? You wouldn't you will stay in the same spot. and I am actually currently learning that lesson to.

I moved in with my uncle to give myself some time to pay off my debt, and I have been here, and there half assing it...not getting anywhere with my debt basically wasting my money, because the late fees for my credit would pile on and it would be like I never even made a payment like I was not knocking anything down. SO now I have set up a plan for my debt, I am going to tackle on item at a time, and pay it off then move on to the next instead of trying to pay everyone something, because that tactic is costing me more money then it is saving me. ANd hopefully things will go accordingly... We will have to wait and see the outcome of it but I am feeling preeeetttyyy confident this is going to work out in my favor!!!! 

Keep Calm Its MY BIRTHDAY MONTH!!!!!

It is AUGUST!!!!!!! My birthday is AUGUST 24th!!!! TURN UP!!! #TWERK #TWERK #TWERK!!! hehe :)

Anyhoo August is such a great month for me! I got a NEW PERMANENT JOB!!! 

And I start school at the end of this month!!!!! I will be going to GRCC!!! I am so excited!!!!

So with having a new permanent job, and starting school I will be very busy! like all day every week busy! I am very excited, and nervous all at once! I want to be on the deans list this year, I want to strive hard in school I am shooting for all A's!!! for the first time in my life I am putting my best foot forward towards me and only me!!!!! I am more focused on myself then I ever been in my life!!! and I am very happy!!

I am a wee bit worried because I do have a dog, and Baby will need some babysitters because I do not want to leave her in her cage all day! so I am currently working on a schedule that will benefit her so that she won't be locked away in a cage! I feel like that is so cruel I can not do that to her! I just will not do it to her!!! SO with my schedules, and my BABY I will ddef work something out! There is so many children that live out here, where I live maybe they would like to earn a few extra bucks and help me with my dog!!!

I feel like I have not been this focused, and nervous in a long time! but I have no doubt at all in myself! I know what I am capable of and I know what I need to do to make things happen, and god has helped me close several doors, and has also opened several for me!! I feel like I can honestly hear him now, and I see the path he is wanting me to go down, and with all my might and strength I am going to do it!!!!

I also have a two year plan! I want to move to Seattle Washington, so I am setting goals in place for that as well! Which it is either going to be Seattle Washington, or Stanford California, depending on where my Cousin Mari is going to go to law school at! EITHER WAY I still need to set goals in place so no matter the outcome I am ready to go within my two year plan!!!

It really makes me nervous the thought of moving so far away, I have never been so far from my siblings, but it is time I start living for me! I have BEEN LIVING for them, and they are my heart and soul... but their all old enough now to take care of themselves  and they have the knowledge to be able to do so! SO with that being said...... I WANNA TRAVEL THE WORLD!!!!

There is so much I want to do and so much I want to see!!! I just wanna move each year to a different state! I want to travel abroad! And I am going to take all the steps necessary to do what I want to do! FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE ARIELL IS GONNA DO HER! 

I am nervous, I am scared, I am excited, and I am Happy!!!!

Keep posted follow me on my journey!!!!!! 

It is about to be one HELL OF A RIDE!!!!!     

DEFINE MISERY/DEPRESSION.... And if you can't LOOK THAT SHIT UP!!!

 Depression- A true clinical depression is a mood disorder in which feelings of sadness, loss, anger, or frustration interfere with everyday life for weeks or longer.

Misery- A state or feeling of great distress or discomfort of mind or body, distress, suffering, pain, poverty, affliction.

Now with those definitions I sit here in my Uncle's living room, and think and think to myself, where do people come off thinking I'm miserable, or depressed. Mostly my SIBLINGS, I guess since I am not out partying every weekend, or spending cash left and right on new stuff. I assume that makes me miserable!

     I have bills, and things I need to take care of in order to get my life back together... NOW let the shoe be on the other foot, lets say I was out spending money, partying, and buying new stuff every week.. Then I would be told I am irresponsible, and Stupid...


I just am really starting to get annoyed. I could be like some people, and let my credit stay bad, and not be able to move into certain areas or houses, or even not be accepted for certain jobs... BUT I fucked up my credit, SO I WILL CLEAN IT UP!

PERIOD, everyone needs to mind there damn business and worry about themselves. I just figured out that everyone is out for themselves, and now that I am doing the same I am miserable, and depressed...

So with all that being said, I am starting to believe that my family are my biggest haters, and to me that is sad.

I wonder if it is because they know what I am capable of... Like I am down for now, but when I come back I WILL BE COMING BACK! I think they hate the strive and motivation I have to do stuff like this. I really don't  know and I really don't care, all I know is I know who I am and where I stand, and TECHINCALLY I don't need them or their drama to keep me happy...

SORRY the ONLY THING IM ADDICTED TO IS MONEY AND CIGGERTTES I know when priorities come before fun, and I know how to budget in a good time when things get to stressful. And until  have my saving account back right, and my name cleared NO I DONT NEED to party NOR DO I NEED to be out buying new shit every weekend! I am good, I have a plan and I am executing it now...


WITH THAT BEING SAID......

Credit Cards CAN MAKE OR BREAK YOU

Okay, I fucked up... I'll admit, and I am going to admit it to the world so hopefully this blog will either

1. Help people know that there is a way to solve this
                                   or
2. Stop people from going through this

Now, when I turned 18 I wanted to build my credit, I applied everywhere for credit cards, everyone turned me down because I had no credit... Frustrated as I was I finally found a company who was willing to give me a card. Once I got the card, I used it and repaid it properly and on time. A few months  after I got my card, I went and got a car off the lot, after saving 2,000 dollars to put down on my car. I went and got my car which was also building my credit...

     A few months later I started receiving all kinds of credit cards in the mail, because my score was good I was doing what I needed to do and was on my shit. So STUPID ME every offer I received I accepted, until the point where I had 8 credit cards and finally felt like enough was enough...

Even with 8 cards I was using them here and there and paying them back promptly. Which instead of saving I was constantly spending, these cards made me feel like I had the power to buy the world... (Well not really but at lest buy whatever I WANTED not needed but wanted) and of course I did...

Then things happened, like I lost my job, my car got hit, even with losing my job I still had bills that needed to be paid  I still had to live... SO guess what yall? I turned to those credit cards, maxed them all out... Got another job that was not paying like my last job which made it hard for me to cover my regular monthly bills let alone pay on these credit cards...

Now with all of that those cards starting charging me late fees and interest it was like even when I did pay on them it wasn't good enough the debt just kept building.

 

I started getting all these harassing calls, and letters via email and mail. Because I done spent these people's money with no idea on how I was going to pay them back. THIS WAS LAST YEAR LET ME MIND YOU ALL.

 

I felt like this --->

 

I just wanted something to help me, to save me from this mess.... And I got to thinking well no one helped me get into this mess no one told me to activate all those cards, and max them out, and at the time I was doing what I needed to do to survive, even then I should have thought of a better plan then maxing out all those cards... I have learned my lesson on that

With that being said, its JUNE 25th 2013, and I am just now able to start putting out this fire, that has been burning for a long time... It is beyond stressful, I work work and work to pay bills bills and bills. BUT AGAIN this is debt I have caused...

We all have hard times, and go through whatever and need to do by all means to do what we need to do to survive... We have to... no one can better take care of us better then us... I am the only one that can provide what is in my best interest... I am the one that takes care of me the best...

I could easily be like fuck it.... im not paying no one shit... But I spent the money so these companies will get their money back... they took  risk out on me by allowing me to use their services, so I want to at least show them that YES my account is has been past due... but DAMN iT at least you know you will get whats yours! AT LEAST FROM ME....

 

Now, my plans are to get rid of 6 of the 8 cards, I am going to keep two because within this process my credit score has took a turn for the worst. So with two cards I am sure I can rebuild that with time... I am not going to over buy ever again... I mean going shopping is awesome here and there! We all deserve to buy ourselves new stuff HELL we worked hard for our money... But when your spending more then your making that is not good, or constantly spending and not saving, that is not good either.

 

I am going to get my credit back right!

 

I have never been more determined, and devoted to do by all means for anything... I am going to get myself back on track!

 

 

 

 

I will rock a NAME TAG just like this and take a zillion pics and post them everywhere once I have knocked down all this shit!

 

It would be easier if I didn't have rent etc, if I could just take my work checks and devote them all to my debt it would BE NOTHING to knock this shit out in like 3 to 4 months... but I do have real life bills on top of this debt... I have vet bills, I have car bills, my car needs worked on etc. But I am confident that BEFORE 2014 My credit will be cleared, and on its way back to the top....

 

I am just that determined!

I got this!!

 

This is my blog to my readers, that yes we make mistakes, but we can also fix them to! With time and hard work we can fix this!

 

Get up go check your credit score, and make it right!!! stop being turned down for stuff make it right!!!!

 

Get at me if you have any questions, I don't know everything but I have learned a lot within this process!!!

 

AND PLEASE PLEASE stay within your means when it comes to these cards... once you get one and other creditors see your doing good, they will all come at you for your business which can either make or break your credit score if your not super careful!

 

Thanks for listening, and hopefully I helped you all decide to fix your score, OR stop some of you from even breaking it!!!  

April Showers, Bring May FLOWERS????

WHOA!!!! Next month my darling sister will be a HIGHSCHOOL GRADUATE!!!!!

I am sooo excited!!!!

We have her Invites, we have ordered her dress!!!! we just need to find out who the heck is catering her OPEN HOUSE!!! ANY SUGGESTIONS????? I am almost thinking about buying a bunch of finger foods... I am not sure yet but time is ticking so we got to do something, and do it sooN!!!

     Jade is disrespectful as hell ! I woke Julian up so he can  go and get her, and she yells at me for him yelling at her? WTH !!! anyhoo Back on point!!

SO My plans are still the same I will be so relieved after all this grad stuff is over!!! I have My second job popping, but I have been slacking in school so I am getting back right with that!!! and becoming more focused!!!

I was sick with food poisening last week, I was sad because I had to call in I was throwing up and practically living in the bathroom, but I was sad because I hate calling off, I feel like I am a disappointment when I call in... And I need not to miss out on any money!!! so yeah it was rough...

Soooo excited!!!

I did  get a email for summer asl classes, and it got me all hype!!! and I am so ready to  do it!!! but I have to do some other things first!!! Prioritize!!!

I am beyond sick and tired of living with my UNCLE! Do not get me wrong, I am more than thankful that when things got rough and Jade and I had to leave when we left, that he was more than willing to open his house to us... He is always more than willing to help me and he is like my daddy! BUT at the same time I am grown, and he still treats everyone like we are little kids... and it jsut doesnt work... Like I love him to death, but he needs his own space, and  Jade and I need our own space... so we have to make it happen!!! before we all kill each other!!!!

     I wanted to wait until I rebought  alot of stuff, but the only thing I am worried about having is the kitchen, bathroom, and  another dresser, once I buy all those things Ima move into a empty ASS APARTMENT! and work from there!!! I am just ready to go!!!!


Well that is about all I have for now, this meeting is about over, and Jade wants to go get her computer!!!! sooo we are outta this thang!!!! THank you everyone for READING my blogg and my poems!!! Have of the time my bloggs are random as hell, but my poems mean something to me!!!!

Have a great saturday!!!!

Unknown

You say your not a whore, But yet another man just walked out your door. That you reference to as John Doe because their names are something you do not know.

Now you've added another notch to your bed post, 

and these men all disappear like ghosts.

You lye alone every night with no one in sight

Asking God where is Mr. Right?

How can you give away your love so easy and then think your not sleezy?

You think your grown and romantic, why not have sex if "your man wants it"

However being your man was never the plan why work for something if it can get handed out to em. 

See your not even a win to these men, because they all know that THEY ALL BEEN, inside of you .

Lusting for you? is something men do not do, because when they are ready they just have to approach you. 

I just want to know how does that make you feel? How can you even deal? Giving up your love to every man & above. How do you sleep at night knowing that you've fucked everyone insight? How do you hold your head high? Because if I were you I'd just cry...

These men think your a joke just something for everyone to poke. 

They disrespect you, and neglect you

But yet some how you think its cool.

Ready to fight on sight if insulted or treated impolite

But you choose'd  this life!

To bare yourself with all this strive!

and until you decided that your worth more than some man's sex pride

NOTHING WILL CHANGE in this game you will remain the same....

That girl that everyone fucked, with no NAME.

2013 New Out LOOK!!!

 

 

Okay Readers, my last blog was emotional, and I havent wrote since then! SOrry I was under a lot of stress, and felt like my own family was betraying me, and my feelings! A lot is going on now but all good things! SO shall we begin?

 

First thing first, My sissy is only months away from graduating HIGHSCHOOL!!! YESSSS!! I am so proud of her! like this is great and I am excited!!! With that being said I have some planning to do for her graduation, and open house! I got a venue for her open house, I have all her invitations made! I just need to order the invites, and find catering for her open house! Now Her graduation we need to find a place where we are all going to have dinner afterwards which shouldnt really be to hard to do but we need to figure it out and make reservations ASAP!!!

 

These next few months are going to be HECTIC I am trying to go back to two jobs, and go to school so that is all crazy within its self. But also with Jade graduating, and all the financial aspects that go with that. AND by summer I want to be moving back into my own place CO-shared with my sister... it will be OUR PLACE!!!

 

 

 

 

When I left my apartment, I threw almost everything away, dishes, microwave like everything I took very little and left very fast! meaning Jade and I are literally starting fresh with everything. I feel like with everything that is going on, and the time frame I have placed I am really making it impossible to accomplish! but ANY THING IS POSSIBLE! if we are both serious we can get everything done in no time! I do not doubt us at all!!!!

 

So here is my goal/todo list to live by!!!

1. Order Jades Invites
2. Find catering/dinner resturant for both grad events
3. save money
4.save money
5. save  money
6. start buying household objects
7. apartment hunt
8. MOVE


Here is the twist within all that I am still working towards throwing myself the most awesomest birthday bash ever!!!! I figure with two jobs, and Jade will help too we should be able to knock this list out with only a few punches... so I am far from worried about it! I am in a good place, and I am ready!!!

 

As everyone can see there is a lot of stuff that is going to be going on in the next few months, and I have never been more exicted EVER!!!

 

OH I forgot to mention Fall 2013 I am going to be starting ASL classes learning to sign has always been something I have really wanted to do and I am going to finally do it!!!

 

Lets recap, I will be working two jobs full time, going to college, taking ASL classes, hopefully getting back in the GYM SOON! #NEEDIT planning events, and saving money! lIfe is about to get crazy!!!! But I am ready!!! Jade will be buying a car soon we are being patient and not rushing into anything, and we are really taking on our new lifes a day at a time, and I couldnt feel more grateful!!!

 

 

Ohhhhhh and I also forgot to mention I AM STILL SINGLE!!! bawhahaha and I love it! I mean no lie, there are times when I miss that relationship feeling of being in a relationship.... but I am so much more focused on ME and what I need to do then I ever have been before!! and it is good for me to stay single for a while, because I fall hard, and love deep, and when I am in a relationship I seriously will give that person my all if I feel they are worthy... And then where does that leave me with me?

 

I have a lot of things I want to do, and need taken care of before I try to wrap myself up in anyone or anything... and I know this, and understand it... so this experience should be fun, crazy, and stressfuL! but it is going to be the best ever!!!

 

 

JADE AND I willl DEF have some sort of house warming dinner or something... maybe... lol!!!

 

 

Well I know this blogg is everywhere but I am really tired, and should actually be training for my second job but I cant function right now to even do that....

 

BYEEEEEEEE for now but not ever!!!!

 

 

P.s I am still working on my BOOK as well, not as much as I DEF should be but baby steps it is for now!!!

 

 

thanks for reading!!

MY FAVORITE F WORDS February & FUCK

I am beyond fed up with everyone!!! I feel like I am not the type to be all in my feelings, I never really react to anything... I don't ask for people to sit and listen to me cry! BUT at the same time I AM HUMAN and I do have feelings rather I wear them on my sleeves or not is not the issue the issue here is people need to realize that I bleed the same way they do!! PERIOD! 

I feel like people think I am a robot with no feelings... I am not aloud to think, breath or talk unless someone needs me to and I am fed up! 

I am FUCKING SORRY THAT I WAS TOO WORRIED ABOUT YOU TO SEE WHERE I WAS AT WITH EVERYTHING!!! I AM SORRY THAT ALL MY LIFE I HAVE BEEN PUTTING Y'ALL BEFORE ME, THAT YOU NOW CANNOT STAND THAT I ACTUALLY HAVE FEELINGS... i AM SORRY THAT YOU BELIEVE OR THINK ALL I SHOULD BE WORRIED ABOUT IS YOU AND YOUR FEELINGS....

I feel like I have been a damn good sister... I have never EVER TURNED my back on any of my siblings.. EVER but the first time I just need you to listen to me to hear me out... to just listen... you cant even do that??? 

I am supposed to hold everyone down emotionally, spiritually, and physically, but me I am not supposed to do shit for myself???

I just feel like no one cares to listen they hear whatever they want to hear, and take what they think they heard and run the fuck away with it!! 

honestly FUCK ALL OF YOU AND WHAT YOU THINK... I am so done with everyone it is truly sad that it has come to this point... it is sad to know that I am here trying to hold everyone together, and no one GIVES A DAMN TO MAKE SURE ARIELL IS OKAY...

But then again rather or regardless how i found out.. at least I did find out... everyone really only cares about them self's, and here i am trying to put everyone else before me when everyone else is putting themselves first!!!

I feel like I have been trying to say enough tell her enough so she knows whats going on... I don't need to tell her everything I am a grown ass women... she don't tell me shit when I ask her... 

I have been trying and trying to please everyone and still make sure what I need to get done to move on is getting done... but i am the bad guy of course!!!

I am starting over, and I knew this shit wouldn't be easy but I didn't think my siblings would be so quick to think so poorly of me... But I should have known... Mother fuckas always bits the hands that feed them now and days... NO LOYALTY... but I am good... I thought we were better than this but I see we are not.. and its fucked up

How do you move on, and grieve a lost if your not aloud to show no emotion without someone trying to belittle you?

like here is where I am... I do not want to be with my ex... at all that thought has not even crossed my mind... DO I miss my best friend>? yes... Most def do! I am upset that shit happened the way it did... I put a lot of things in question, and I feel like I am in a good place now... I DO NOT WISH anything bad on the man..... I do still feel some sort of way towards him.. I mean damn near five years of my life was spent with him... but will I get over it 100% yeah I will and I am working towards it everyday...

Its a work in process, but the betrayal that was made with him will be something I can never get over... and it is sad that my siblings do not know me well enough to know that, they mean more to me than anything on earth...

but I guess I need to get my priorities together because I obviously am only of use to them when they need something....

I just thought I would have more support then what I do... But its all about these fools over here, and if its not about them they dont listen, or they twist your shit to some how make it be back about them...

Y'all made it clear my feelings don't matter again its good to know...

Thanks for the FUCKING MEMO!!!!

Fuckers... I am done! seriously... smdh

BUT..........