Im safe Up high..... Right?

I am really into Pink's song Sober,  I guess at this moment in my life I comepletey understand the song... Like I feel like it was wrote for me, and It is not even a newer song... It is crazy how when different things in life happen to you different songs end up meaning a lot more to you then they did prioir.

CONFESSION for today::: I tend to push people away, all people, friends, family, crushes, guys, girls, co-workers... I have some abandonment issues, that I think occured when my parents went away when I was younger. So with these issues, I feel like I almost need to piss people off to the point there done with me, before they are just done with me on there own.. Crazy RIGHT? So yeah its like let me get them outta my way now before they decide to leave, and have me feeling some sort of way...

I say I am like a very loving person, and that I am but I do tend to try to get rid of people before they decide to get rid of me... And it is bad because I end up pushing away very important people in my life, and I have been trying to control it, and get it together. You know handle things differently , but even then I am still acting out, and once I realized I did it I have already pissed someone off.

Its hard because I am always saying there is no one there for me like I am there for everyone else... but no one is there for me because I keep pushing everyone the hell away!!!

So that is my confession for today I tend to push people away... some times i do it to see if anyone will fight to stay around, and some times i do it without really knowing I am doing it.... either way I need to cut it out... and stop pushing people out...

Everything happens for a reason so if people come and go so be it, I must of was to meet them for something, even if I do not know the reason at the moment.. Everyone comes into your life for some reason or another.. we just have to figure it out...

December is Like OVER?!?!?!

So today is December 28, 2012 and we are all still here! #soMuch4TheWorldEnding right? It is crazy how every year the world is to end, people are nuts! and Frankly I do not want to know about it! I rather it just happen.... I think, I just don't want to be horrified up until it happens. I rather be happy and calm, and then die... I do not really know... so we will be moving right along...

Soooooo I have been single! and I have really been enjoying myself! Like I do not really have to answer to no one, I have been going out, and doing things I want to do without feeling bad about it... I have been acting 22 for once in my life I can act my own age!!! Sort of, but still it has been soooo nice!!!

I however tend to put all my eggs in one basket, even being single, I have noticed I try to build up around one certain guy! Like do not get me wrong I have several guy friends, but still all my eggs seem to be in this one guys basket... and I really do not like it... Like he is Single to, and I swear it is something about him, that takes me there... Like I just do not know how to act some times when it comes to him... But I am not about drama, and bullshit so I have just been kinda I guess staying to myself more. I am trying anyways... I feel like I am too emotionally available for everyone!!! and I need to not be so open to everyone... and Make people be more open for me.

I have been struggling with things lately... like my emotions have been a bit every where... and I have just been trying to keep focus, and ensure myself that within a few months everything will be back good, and everyone will be good... Its hard to go from the being the girl that damn near had everything... so basically starting over... It honestly was in the best interest for me and my family, and I do not regret the decision that I have made... it is just very hard for me to accept it. I just some times feel like I just wanna pack a bag and run away... but what does that really solve? NOTHING, so no point in doing that lol... It is just weird, I am in a very weird place right now... and I will be glad when it is over.

So December is like over, and January will be here in like 3 freaking days!!! I cannot believe how fast this year has gone! it has gone so fast! I am really shocked about it actually.... Time is flying and yet some of us are standing still... I have big plans for 2013.. Not really goals.. Because we all do that right? Make New year resolutions, and then do not stick to them... Yeah I just have plans to be a more better person in general than I was in 2012. Like I am a good person but we all have room for growth... and it doest hurt to take in that room and prosper as a person to better yourself and your loved ones. so that is just what I am looking for doing, becoming a better me...

I really think I have some great stuff to talk about, until I start writing, and realize I am really not talking about anything... LOL but this is my BLOG and you really do not have to read it! HOWEVER thank you for reading it :)  I hope everyone had a wonder Christmas, and Has a even better NEW YEAR!!!! 2013!!! Were about to be in there!!!!

P.s  think for New Years Eve, I am going to get WHITE GIRL WASTED and write a blog, Wonder how many of my secrets will come out within that!!! haha ! be on the look out!! SOOON it is gonna go down!!!

THE COUNT DOWN!!!!

So my awesome weekend is approaching! I am so excited the COUNT DOWN HAD BEGUN! Via: Facebook, and Twitter! There is THREE MORE DAYS until MY awesome sister turns 21!!! FOUR MORE DAYS until I go to South Bend! And FIVE MORE DAYS until we are in CHICAGO!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 I am beyond excited! I need this break! These last few weeks have been nothing but crazy!!!! I need to get a Lawyer for this bogus ASS apartment complex I was living in! You would think after four years of doing business with a company they still don't give a damn about you as a person just about that money! and that is ridiculous! EVEN if all ends horribly and I do have to pay these people for a whole lease! in WHICH I AM NOT LIVING THERE! I swear, some shit is gonna pop off!

I should however just stay humble, I just don't like knowing after four years of doing business with them I am still at the end of the day only a check in the mail! Like companies now and days  have no morals once so ever! And it is honestly sad!

But I am not going to stress out about that now, I am going to talk to a few lawyers, and see what they can do for me IF ANYTHING, and take it from there! Because I refuse to go out without a fight!!!

Work has been going good! so far so good! I am keeping up with school, and still trying to take care of everything else!!!

Solange (my older sister) has come to stay with us, and she has been a great help as far as transportation, and helping me with Jade. It has been nice to have that kind of help! I actually can get some sort of sleep! Which is weird because I still do not get enough sleep! Like my body is used to not sleeping so I just wake u after like four or five hours, and then I cannot go back to sleep! THAT SUCKS!!!!

I have really just been focusing on me! I have been trying not to really go out of my way for anyone anymore, and not because I am selfish but it is now time to do me for me!

I have taken care of everyone for far to long! and I am taking the weight of the world off of my shoulders and only carrying the stuff I need to be carrying around!!!!

Like OMG my car!!! needs some work! alot of work actually! like 600 of shop work! then I need new tires that is like 400 dollars! sucks! but that is my baby! and I need her so I have to get her fixed, and make her all better!!!!

My uncle thinks I should trade her in, and get a newer car... But I love my dodge, and she isn that old... she is only a 2008  that's only almost 5 years old! my baby!!!

On top of everything I lost my cat, I made a few fliers, knocked on a few doors, and got no where! I hope he is safe, and hopefully someone took him in! he hates being cold, and we have had some cold nights so far since he has been gone!!!

Well that is all for now! I need to get me a lawyer! keep up with my count down to my weekend! and stay humble! me flipping shit isn't going to change anything! I need to be cool and stack this bread so I can knock down what I need to and save what I need to!

I am finding myself, and to me right now that is all that is important! I feel like everyone at some point gets lost on their journeys, and it is up to us to realize it, and find ourselves so that we can get back on track! and I am doing that for me!

Its Ariell's time to live!!!!

I'll Admit I am SCARED

I just ranted, and raved right?  But do y'all know why??? I am scared!!!!

I am scared, because I feel like the last four years of my life were wasted, and I have so much potential, and so much time gone! Now I have still all this potential, and it seems like not enough time!

 

I was in a relationship, that I honestly can say I gave my all, and I really feel like my all was taken advantage of! I made quick moves, that might not have been the best decision financially, but was the best decision for me and my family.

 

SO I do not regret moving and starting over, I was actually quite excited about that. But with that comes bills that still need to be paid, my car still needs to be fixed there is still a 100,000 things I need to take care of!

 

And for the first time I guess in my life I am starting alone... Like in the last four years I have lost myself some where, and I am trying to recover myself in all aspects. Emotionally, Financially, Spiritually, and Mentally. SO my mind is always spinning with a 100 thoughts processing at once. And my Judgement, and thoughts seem to becoming more cloudy! as if they were not cloudy already!

 

SO you want to know where does being SCARED come into play?????????

 

Everyday I wonder if I am really fighting for a cause for myself and will everything turn out right? Everyday I become more discouraged, and want to give up on  everything and go  hide somewhere alone....  Everyday it becomes harder, and harder for me to do the things I know I need to do!

 

So I a horrified that one day I am going to wake up and say fuck it all! that one day these fears, and anxiety of everything is going to kick my butt, and force me to believe that throwing in the towel is the best option.

 

I know I KNOW it is not even really an option! I have never ever been a quitter, and I do not plan to start now... But its just so much shit HAPPENING!!! I swear WHEN I FINISH MY BOOK, it will become a MOVIE....

 

My life is like a crazy ass movie NO LIE! and I just wonder when is the good part of the movie going to happen, Like you know when you watch crazy movies and then the end, ends on a good note?  LIKE WHERE THE FUCK IS MY GOOD NOTE?

 

LOL! I am trying to find something funny and ways to keep myself laughing, because all this is crazy, my life went from stressful, to HELL in 0 SECONDS!

 

Like I am beyond Happy that I have moved, and am starting over, I am just scared, and worried that I will fuck everything up! even if it is on accident, like I have  no no no room for mistakes right now! everything has to be counted, and accounted for! PERIOD!!!

 

SO starting over is the most scariest thing I think I have ever done so far, and I am sure that the fears of shit is only beginning so I am going to keep my faith, and focus! and not let these fears overcome me as a person!

 

Okay that was my confession for the week! I guess the moral of the story is, Life is good, bad, and sometimes scary! we just have to find it within ourselves to keep moving, and motivated to keep going, keep trying, and not giving up!

 

NO MATTER HOW HARD IT IS! we MUST FIGHT FOR OURSELVES! because honestly no one else will.

 

 

DROWNING!!! CANT BREATH!!! HELP!!!

 

I some times feel like I am drowning, Like I am under water cant breath, and everyone is walking past me! Like they can see I am drowning but they do not offer to help me at all!

 

Do not get me wrong! I am not looking for hand outs, or for anyone to actually give me anything!

I just feel like I have no one to really talk to and understand where I am coming from. Even when I do talk to people, and try to brain storm some things it still doesn't seem like enough!!!

 

 

Like I am drowning alone, and until I figure out how to swim no one can help me!!

 

 

I wish I knew a quit answer, and I do not. I do not have a quick answer to any ones questions, not even my own!

 

 

But that is the thing though! what if someone comes along, and See's me drowning, and offers there hand and I cannot take it? I do not know why I feel like this, I  do not feel depressed, but at the same time I do not feel happy! I am like stuck in between those two! I know with everything I got going on it will be a while before I see any changes, but that while seems like eternity! and I do not know some times if I can make it though all of this... 

I feel so stuck! and I honestly hate feeling this way, I am not normally the one to bitch about life or cry a river, and for the most part I haven't been, but I am feeling cornered, and I am afraid that soon I am going to come out swinging and it all be on the wrong people...

I fear that my choices are not good ones, and I am questioning my every move. I used to question my own moves prior, but it has gotten serious like SHIT IS GETTING REAL PEOPLE!

 

lol

 

So in the end I am trying to sort things on a more slower aspect, I need to budget to the fullest, stop spending money on bullshit, because sadly I tend to do that often, and really focus on everything, I have bills to pay and my car needs to be fixed! Like I cannot go without my ride! and there is something seriously wrong with her, excepts I have no clue what is really is and need to get it figured out and taken care of asap!!!!

Some times I get lost in my own concerns, and I don't know how to get outta that, but I have to keep telling myself I have to stay focused, it is the only way i am going to get everything I need done in a timely manner!!!!

I feel like I got this, but the discourageness in my heart feels like it has more power over my courage side! but I have faith, and I damn well have fight!!! so I gotta do what I gotta do!!!!

 

Thanks for listening!