Welp, I have to say... as much as people look up to me & have me on such high pedal stools. I make mistakes too, and this action I think it will alter my life...But not for the good...
I hurt the number one person who is always on my side even throughout their own mistakes, and there is nothing I can do to take it back or to stop the pain... And for the first time in my life... I am scared I will actually lose him. I love him deeply but we have been through so much that I thought the wrong thing was the right thing... and it was a mistake... I honestly dont know what I would do if I where to ever lose him... I know life will continue but things just dont seem right without him.
What do I do from here? I had the perfect opportunity to tell him the truth, and I still lied... and lied, and lied, until I couldnt lie no more... Trust me what is done in the dark always comes to light... no matter what... and there is no stopping it. Even when you almost think you got away with whatever, in all honesty you didnt and you never will.
I just dont know how I let my emotions get to me in such manner to betray my one and only... the love of my life... How could I honestly be so crazy to let this matter occur, and think I could just bury it deep within...
I dont know if he will be able to forgive me and move on, and I dont know if I can handle it if he did. But what I do know is I sure made my bed... so I guess either way I have to lay in it... no matter what I DID THIS, so I will have to deal with it...
WHat hurts the most... is that there is nothing I can do to fix it... If i can take all the pain from him I would ! but I cannot, and I hate that he feels how he feels, I hate that I am what caused him all this pain...
But I did... and now I have to live with whatever or however the situation plays out... Which sucks even more, because I want to be with him...
GOSH ! lost for words... I fucked up period.. and there is no turning back now... throughout all of this I have to stay focused, and positive, and try to be there as much as I can for him now. Until he decides what it is he wants to do...
I cannot be selfish, and make him stay here with me. No matter how much I want that.. I have to allow him peace, and happiness, he deserves at least that much. It will be painful on me... but I have to say I deserve it... I made the biggest dumbest mistake ever, and now I have to deal...
What bothers me is he thinks I dont care, and I am just like yeah whatever deal with it or leave... and I am sure that is how i am coming off... But I do care, and I do not mean suck it up or go... I just dont want his every thought to be so negative... and I know thinking about me, and what I did is only making all thoughts he has bad.
I just dont want him to be stressed out, and I want him to be at peace, and happy. I cannot make him stay with me if it only causes him more pain, and more hurt. I have to be the bigger person...And allow things to go how they go...
Now I have to stuck it up and deal real talk...
I made my bed now only I have to lay in it... and I cannot make anyone else lay in it with me... :(
No matter what though... gotta stay focused... and positive... gots to!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Stuck/Torn
Im I guess have reached a point in life where I am stuck on everything. Like I feel unsatisfied with almost everything. && I do not know if I am unsatisfied with things, or what. I feel like I always put everyone first all the time. Everyone else is number one on my list regaurdless of what it is.. I do and do for everyone else first, I never put myself or my feelings first, I am always so cautious about everyone else, and their feelings, and always trying to please everyone but me. And I feel like it is time for a change I DO NOT COME as number one on no ones list NO ONE honestly, and that is bullshit. So today is the day where I start new.. I am going to do things a little differently . To better benefit me. I do not want to sound heartless or uncaring.. but I care too much for everyone else, and do not get those same feelings in return.. and it sucks.. I feel broken..
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Dreams
My friend brought this up today on facbook, and made me want to blog about it.
Dreams, they can be the best dream of your life, or they can be scary, and unpleasant. Sometimes I have dreams that I never want to awake from, and sometimes I have dreams that scare me awake.
I have dreams that seem so real. Like sometimes when something dramatic is happening in my dreams, and I might cry in my dream, I'll wake up crying for real. Or once I had a dream I was fighting, and this girl was trying to cut me with a knife, and I woke up with a stratch on the same spot the girl was trying to cut me. Or just thursday night I had a dream that my brother told me about some girl he had been seeing, and it felt so real. So when I woke up I was totally mad at him for my dream, that he knew nothing about.
I know sometimes in cases like the dream i was fighting, I might of been psychically fighting myself, or the air lol. I dont really know how else I would have got a stratch like that it was to wierd.
It is just so odd how these dreams are so alive, and vivid.. I always question my dreams like do they mean something, it is something I should look into or what?!?!?!
I love to sleep, and I love my dreams but why would they come to us so strongly if they are only dreams, and what makes us dream about half of the stuff we dream about. I was told that our dreams are based on what we ate, or what were thinking of when we go to sleep. But I sure never went to sleep thinking about fighting, or that my bf would be cheating, so why would those two dreams occur.
I guess it will be some researching I will do on my end to figure all this madness out. Because I need answers, and I need them now. ! haha I will kee you all posted on what I might find.. If anything good !
Thanks for listening.
Dreams, they can be the best dream of your life, or they can be scary, and unpleasant. Sometimes I have dreams that I never want to awake from, and sometimes I have dreams that scare me awake.
I have dreams that seem so real. Like sometimes when something dramatic is happening in my dreams, and I might cry in my dream, I'll wake up crying for real. Or once I had a dream I was fighting, and this girl was trying to cut me with a knife, and I woke up with a stratch on the same spot the girl was trying to cut me. Or just thursday night I had a dream that my brother told me about some girl he had been seeing, and it felt so real. So when I woke up I was totally mad at him for my dream, that he knew nothing about.
I know sometimes in cases like the dream i was fighting, I might of been psychically fighting myself, or the air lol. I dont really know how else I would have got a stratch like that it was to wierd.
It is just so odd how these dreams are so alive, and vivid.. I always question my dreams like do they mean something, it is something I should look into or what?!?!?!
I love to sleep, and I love my dreams but why would they come to us so strongly if they are only dreams, and what makes us dream about half of the stuff we dream about. I was told that our dreams are based on what we ate, or what were thinking of when we go to sleep. But I sure never went to sleep thinking about fighting, or that my bf would be cheating, so why would those two dreams occur.
I guess it will be some researching I will do on my end to figure all this madness out. Because I need answers, and I need them now. ! haha I will kee you all posted on what I might find.. If anything good !
Thanks for listening.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
March ! ! !
Okay everyone... I know everyone is probably wondering why I have March as my title, and I am here to tell you all why. Coming March I am going to be on a strick agenda.. Which meaning no more sleeping in or staying up late for me. I have to budget my time, as too I am going to be working on me starting March.
I have been becoming way to lazy, I guess that is what happens when you work from home, which I can say is the only down fall. But anyhoo I have also found my self to be gaining weight, that I do not plan on keeping at all. So starting March It is going to be serious dieting, and work outs activities of that manner. My friend Meek, and I are going to be doing this together but we both stay very far away from each other to its going to be hard but to keep us on a positive note.
I am excited, I love working out I just havent been finding the time for it lately. I most like weight lifting it has always been my favorite, so Time to get back in to that manner, and get things going again. I have started a routine a few times but havent kept to it, and it is only my fault, so now I am going to make a reasonable schedule. and keep to it.
I am tired of always complaining about things i do and dont like, If I dont like it why not change it. So that is what I am going to do is change a few things I am unhappy with.. to make a new and improved Arie ! lol Cant wait.. I just got to keep the will power, and the excitement about it. But I am only i can change me so I gotta keep working on it ! wish me luck everyone !
Thanks for listening.
I have been becoming way to lazy, I guess that is what happens when you work from home, which I can say is the only down fall. But anyhoo I have also found my self to be gaining weight, that I do not plan on keeping at all. So starting March It is going to be serious dieting, and work outs activities of that manner. My friend Meek, and I are going to be doing this together but we both stay very far away from each other to its going to be hard but to keep us on a positive note.
I am excited, I love working out I just havent been finding the time for it lately. I most like weight lifting it has always been my favorite, so Time to get back in to that manner, and get things going again. I have started a routine a few times but havent kept to it, and it is only my fault, so now I am going to make a reasonable schedule. and keep to it.
I am tired of always complaining about things i do and dont like, If I dont like it why not change it. So that is what I am going to do is change a few things I am unhappy with.. to make a new and improved Arie ! lol Cant wait.. I just got to keep the will power, and the excitement about it. But I am only i can change me so I gotta keep working on it ! wish me luck everyone !
Thanks for listening.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
New Relations !
New Relations ! is today's Blogg so to say.
I love meeting new people, and having a good time. I once thought as though I was to old to make new friends, and I also once thought I really did not need any friends. But i have figured out it is not about friends in general it is about having someone there for you when you need a shoulder to lean on. The world is a tuff place some times, and some times we all need a little shoulder to lean on or a person we can confide in. We are also never to old to make new friends or to start new relationships.
However I am not looking for a new relationship, or am I really on a whole friend hunt. But the people that I do come across in life have all been of importance to me rather I have liked that person or not. I have learned things from everyone I have met and it has been only my honar to have met so many people, and have learned things from everyone.
I know a few people have in which been hurt by their so called friends, or best friends. in situations to where the frend might of did something deceitful, But at the end of the day we are all only humans whom all make the same mistakes. Sometimes we still have to forgive and forget. Some situations I know are not that easy to just walk away from, as in walking away and then befriend that friend who was once your friend. And in situations to where you can not find it in your heart to befriend that person again, is fine move on. But always forgive and forget.
Because at the end of the day the people who made us mad or hurt our feelings, there not walking around with anger or hurt in their hearts. THey are walking around as if they did nothing wrong. While we are carrying around all this stress, and pain for what? nothing.. let it go because while we are just sitting there letting someone else carry stress, and pain on our shoulders we are the ones losing out. not them...
But situations happen and we all learn to grow, and prosper from them. We have to be the bigger person to not allow one painful situation affect the rest of our lifes. Nothing is worth our happiness.
For relationships. Boy oh Boy.. I am going there... I have had some of the utmost craziest relationships with men. Rather it was a actual relationship or it was just some sort of booty call. I have presented myself in wrongful ways to the world, and I regret every moment of it. But I was younger than what I am now because I am still young. But I made a loe of mistakes, and had my heart broken a few times, also broke a few hearts as well.
Some one once asked me why? Why did I play with their emotions when they told me from the start they wanted such a great commitment. I honestly could not answer. This guy did tell me he puts in 100% to his relationships and he normally falls fast and hard. At the time i was like 17 I think, and they guy is a few years older than me. SO of course he wants something serious, and might not be in to all the games younger men play. But at 17 for one I did not know what I wanted, and for two I was just getting in to dating older men, because the men my age were not mature enough for me. Not because I was fast or anything in that manner, just for the reasons I had to grow up fast, and take on more responsibilities at such a young age. Anyhoo back to what I was saying. I thought he had tricks up his sleeve, I did not beleive all he was saying was true. I thought okay if he is this serious, and this willing to be commited why does he not already have a serious relationship? And why did he want to be with me, when I was still in High School? I questioned the whole situation. But I ended up being intimate with this fellow, and I played the upper hand in our encounterment, and then just walked away from the whole situation.
I asked myself, if I knew what I know now, and could go back and do it over again would I? knowing he was serious, and that I could possibly even still be with him to this day. And the answer is no I wouldn't change anything. Why? because from then and that situation I have learned a lot, I have learned a lot about myself, and learned that he is a genuwine person. Sure if I would have started a relationship with this fellow, and would have learned all the great things needed to know about him. Maybe we would of had a great relationship and maybe we wouldnt of. I do regret hurting his feelings along the way, but I am still growing now, and had way more growing to do when i was 17.
That guy and I still talk sometimes still to this day. He is an good person, our conversations are harmless. Our families have a lot of history around each other. So for the most part our conversations are catching up with each other and just being kind enough to say hello.
Okay before I talk you all to death I guess that is it for today.. More posts to come! Thanks for reading!
I love meeting new people, and having a good time. I once thought as though I was to old to make new friends, and I also once thought I really did not need any friends. But i have figured out it is not about friends in general it is about having someone there for you when you need a shoulder to lean on. The world is a tuff place some times, and some times we all need a little shoulder to lean on or a person we can confide in. We are also never to old to make new friends or to start new relationships.
However I am not looking for a new relationship, or am I really on a whole friend hunt. But the people that I do come across in life have all been of importance to me rather I have liked that person or not. I have learned things from everyone I have met and it has been only my honar to have met so many people, and have learned things from everyone.
I know a few people have in which been hurt by their so called friends, or best friends. in situations to where the frend might of did something deceitful, But at the end of the day we are all only humans whom all make the same mistakes. Sometimes we still have to forgive and forget. Some situations I know are not that easy to just walk away from, as in walking away and then befriend that friend who was once your friend. And in situations to where you can not find it in your heart to befriend that person again, is fine move on. But always forgive and forget.
Because at the end of the day the people who made us mad or hurt our feelings, there not walking around with anger or hurt in their hearts. THey are walking around as if they did nothing wrong. While we are carrying around all this stress, and pain for what? nothing.. let it go because while we are just sitting there letting someone else carry stress, and pain on our shoulders we are the ones losing out. not them...
But situations happen and we all learn to grow, and prosper from them. We have to be the bigger person to not allow one painful situation affect the rest of our lifes. Nothing is worth our happiness.
For relationships. Boy oh Boy.. I am going there... I have had some of the utmost craziest relationships with men. Rather it was a actual relationship or it was just some sort of booty call. I have presented myself in wrongful ways to the world, and I regret every moment of it. But I was younger than what I am now because I am still young. But I made a loe of mistakes, and had my heart broken a few times, also broke a few hearts as well.
Some one once asked me why? Why did I play with their emotions when they told me from the start they wanted such a great commitment. I honestly could not answer. This guy did tell me he puts in 100% to his relationships and he normally falls fast and hard. At the time i was like 17 I think, and they guy is a few years older than me. SO of course he wants something serious, and might not be in to all the games younger men play. But at 17 for one I did not know what I wanted, and for two I was just getting in to dating older men, because the men my age were not mature enough for me. Not because I was fast or anything in that manner, just for the reasons I had to grow up fast, and take on more responsibilities at such a young age. Anyhoo back to what I was saying. I thought he had tricks up his sleeve, I did not beleive all he was saying was true. I thought okay if he is this serious, and this willing to be commited why does he not already have a serious relationship? And why did he want to be with me, when I was still in High School? I questioned the whole situation. But I ended up being intimate with this fellow, and I played the upper hand in our encounterment, and then just walked away from the whole situation.
I asked myself, if I knew what I know now, and could go back and do it over again would I? knowing he was serious, and that I could possibly even still be with him to this day. And the answer is no I wouldn't change anything. Why? because from then and that situation I have learned a lot, I have learned a lot about myself, and learned that he is a genuwine person. Sure if I would have started a relationship with this fellow, and would have learned all the great things needed to know about him. Maybe we would of had a great relationship and maybe we wouldnt of. I do regret hurting his feelings along the way, but I am still growing now, and had way more growing to do when i was 17.
That guy and I still talk sometimes still to this day. He is an good person, our conversations are harmless. Our families have a lot of history around each other. So for the most part our conversations are catching up with each other and just being kind enough to say hello.
Okay before I talk you all to death I guess that is it for today.. More posts to come! Thanks for reading!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
2011
Welcome to 2011 ! wow and Feburary is almost over. I have found myself to be a little less motivated than normal. I did however get my car! Its a 2008 dodge avenger. I am so excited about it. However I only really made two trips so far. one to chicago just to be going somewhere, and One to Benton Harbor to go to church. I think I should figure out my finances quick, and budget going to church with my sister, every sunday, which is an hour away. But her church speaks to me. Like when I go there I feel as if I belong, and that the pastor is always talking about me. Which is good because it makes me think about things I need to change and how I need to change them.
I feel like I am not satisfied with anything right now. Okay so I am 20 with no kids, live on my own, now own two cars, work full time, atten school (which I am almost done with) full time. I have a great relationship, with this most incrediable guy.. I mean we not perfect.. well he's not anyways. LMBO that was funny, naw we not perfect. But I feel like these are all things that I am supposed to be doing. Going to school, working, owning things paying bills. I did not come from a family that feeds me with no golden spoon, and Everyday I am thankful that I do know how to survive on my own without anyone just giving me stuff.
Oh and dont get me wrong thy love of my life helps me or does for me whenever need be. But as far as half of these kids my age whom parents still hand them everything, and they dont have to work for nothing, I am not one of those.
I just guess I want so much more right now at this moment, and everything I want is coming.. just not fast enough for me. So patients...patients.. good things always come to those whom wait. I am just so ready to be comfortable. I n a comfortable state, and I was but now its time for a change... So i am uncomfortable again.
But this year we will be moving, I refuse to sign another year lease at these apartments. These tiny apartments charging an arm and a leg for NOTHING, to where I can pay a few hundard more and have a whole entire house, and not have to worry about the people across the hall nor do I have to worry about back ground noise for my job due to the neighbors.
Im just ready for these houses to be homes. I am ready to make my office for work so that I do not hate my home because I work from home but yet only hate my office :) because that will be the section of which I work.
I was confiding in a old friend on Sunday about this, and she felt as though I was just being ungrateful. Although she did not say it like that but I felt in so many words that is what she meant. Which I guess it does seem as if I want it all. The way I see it though is why not want it all? I work hard and take care of all my resonsibilities plus some, and I am only 20. sometimes I just want to be 20 and that is it nothing more nothng less. I should be doing so much more than what I am doing. I feel because I am so young I should have a little more life. then again I feel like work hard now, so that I can play later.
Confusing huh? I know it is all just a big confusing mess, that I need to all figure out. I want to work mornings for my job but then who wants to get up in the AM. See it is all a mess that I need to figure out so i can better manage everything like it needs to be managed. that is all I have for now.. Later there will be more I swear.
Thanks for listening.
I feel like I am not satisfied with anything right now. Okay so I am 20 with no kids, live on my own, now own two cars, work full time, atten school (which I am almost done with) full time. I have a great relationship, with this most incrediable guy.. I mean we not perfect.. well he's not anyways. LMBO that was funny, naw we not perfect. But I feel like these are all things that I am supposed to be doing. Going to school, working, owning things paying bills. I did not come from a family that feeds me with no golden spoon, and Everyday I am thankful that I do know how to survive on my own without anyone just giving me stuff.
Oh and dont get me wrong thy love of my life helps me or does for me whenever need be. But as far as half of these kids my age whom parents still hand them everything, and they dont have to work for nothing, I am not one of those.
I just guess I want so much more right now at this moment, and everything I want is coming.. just not fast enough for me. So patients...patients.. good things always come to those whom wait. I am just so ready to be comfortable. I n a comfortable state, and I was but now its time for a change... So i am uncomfortable again.
But this year we will be moving, I refuse to sign another year lease at these apartments. These tiny apartments charging an arm and a leg for NOTHING, to where I can pay a few hundard more and have a whole entire house, and not have to worry about the people across the hall nor do I have to worry about back ground noise for my job due to the neighbors.
Im just ready for these houses to be homes. I am ready to make my office for work so that I do not hate my home because I work from home but yet only hate my office :) because that will be the section of which I work.
I was confiding in a old friend on Sunday about this, and she felt as though I was just being ungrateful. Although she did not say it like that but I felt in so many words that is what she meant. Which I guess it does seem as if I want it all. The way I see it though is why not want it all? I work hard and take care of all my resonsibilities plus some, and I am only 20. sometimes I just want to be 20 and that is it nothing more nothng less. I should be doing so much more than what I am doing. I feel because I am so young I should have a little more life. then again I feel like work hard now, so that I can play later.
Confusing huh? I know it is all just a big confusing mess, that I need to all figure out. I want to work mornings for my job but then who wants to get up in the AM. See it is all a mess that I need to figure out so i can better manage everything like it needs to be managed. that is all I have for now.. Later there will be more I swear.
Thanks for listening.
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