So It is MID-JUNE ALREADY!?!?!

!

So, it is mid-June already! 2015 is just flying by fast! 

This post like most of my posts will be a little bit of everywhere with my thoughts! I always say I am going to try and post at least once a month and it never actually happens...

BUT I think now I have come up with the perfect schedule to fit everything in!!! Since I have been working two jobs; one full time and on part time my life has been so crazy! lol 

Yet throughout this crazy I have planned on fitting the gym in almost daily, and doing a blog post at least once a month! I actually ever year buy a yearly planner to use, and every year I may use the planner for about half of the year and then do not pay it no mind. Unfortunately it is June so this is me using my planner half of the year... but I read some where that it only takes 30 days of routine consistent routine for that routine to become like second nature to a person. But I am not going to spill all my beans in the beginning of this post! So let's begin! 

As a lot of you know last December I lost one of the most important people to me... My Grandmother a.k.a Nana.

As a lot of you may not know I actually have issues with showing emotions, such as sadness, empathy,and sympathy. Yet I can be happy or mad real quick, however those other feelings I have issues dealing with. I also suffer from depression, and anxiety. So I do believe I have issues with being sad because I am scared it will lead me down a dark place. 

With all that being said, grieving for my nana has been a real challenge for me, here I am six months later and randomly finding myself in tears thinking about her. I thought as time goes on it will get easier, and I am sure it will...but for me it seems like as time goes on I am actually able to feel for my loss and grieve with tears... It has been hard and yet relieving all at once! I know Nana is still with all of us, and I know she is watching down on us from heaven... I took some time away from the world after she passed, I mean literally was in the house, didn't want to leave, was emotionally eating I actually went into depression after she passed. And it was rough for me because I did not understand what was happening to me and why I felt so low... and when I did realize it was my depression kicking my butt I had to try everything to pull myself out of it. 

THE HARDEST thing about dealing with anxiety and depression, is having to try and explain it to the people around you whom are not to familiar with what depression can really do to a person. It truly can be disabling, like hiding under a rock is all I wanted to do... But again I have issues showing those hurt feelings so for me when depression hits, I have to pretend everything is okay and act as normal as possible... and it is actually a lot harder then it sounds. I want to say from like late December to maybe April I felt like I was under water, I finally broke down and told someone closest to me what I was going through... and It was the best thing I could have done for me... he really helped pull me out of that funk. 

SO WHAT I WANT TO SAY IS DEPRESSION IS REAL ANXIETY IS REAL AND IF YOU ARE SUFFERING FROM IT PLEASE PLEASE TALK TO SOMEONE CLOSE TO YOU! IT DOES HELP A LOT!!! DO NOT LET IT TAKE YOU DOWN THAT UGLY ROAD!!! YOU CAN EVEN REACH OUT TO ME AND I WILL DO ALL I CAN TO HELP! I KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO BE CORNERED BY DEPRESSION!!! Just please reach out to a friend or a family member do not let it consume you!

  

Okay a lot of those who know me well know that I am very family orientated! I always have been and always will be! Some times being so family orientated is my biggest down fall! I still have so much faith and hope for my siblings, and what hurts the most is when we do not all get along. Nana took all of us in when our parents went to prison to make sure we all stayed together, she taught us that at the end of the day we are all we got. Our mom also made it very important to us that we all stick together and be there for one another... but it does not seem like that is what we are doing... I mean do not get me wrong I can call or text any of my siblings (on my moms side) at almost any given time and speak with them... but the definition of family means something different to each of us now that we are older... we all used to be on the same page about what family is... now everyone has their own definition and meaning of family... The day I realized that I honestly cried... my siblings are everything to me and I mean EVERYTHING... But I guess the older we become the different we become.. and our views, and morals start to change... and I have learned to accept that... I want nothing but the best for everyone! I want all of them to be happy and healthy and as long as they are only a phone call/text away and are happy and healthy I can live with that. Letting go is hard...

Earlier I mentioned how depression had me down and out for a little while, and I also mentioned having a planner that I was going to start putting to use in full effect! I have started writing in everything going on in my planner! Which for me has been extremely exciting, I am not sure if you all ever heard that it is better to write down goals, because once it is written it normally gets done? Or the saying is something along those lines lol! I truly agree with that, I feel like once I write stuff down, I am obligated to accomplish or do whatever it is I wrote down, and with it being written in my planner I have to see it for the whole month that I am in it has helped a lot. 

But since I was down and out for a few months I have a few things I have to take care of financially this month and get everything back right... then starting July I have the gym worked in, and my day to make a new blog post worked in!! and I'm praying that within 30days I can build a great routine, and keep everything running and working smoothly! I have to be my own motivation... Crazy to say it took me a long while to figure that out... I always have looked for others to motivate me in some way or another, and once that was gone I was kinda lost.... HOWEVER I have found the light... and I am hoping that I will be able to keep my light on and keep myself motivated.... At the end of the day no one can take better care of you THEN YOU!!!! 

Well that is the end of my post for today!! and like always THANKS FOR READING!!!!!