Welp, I have to say... as much as people look up to me & have me on such high pedal stools. I make mistakes too, and this action I think it will alter my life...But not for the good...
I hurt the number one person who is always on my side even throughout their own mistakes, and there is nothing I can do to take it back or to stop the pain... And for the first time in my life... I am scared I will actually lose him. I love him deeply but we have been through so much that I thought the wrong thing was the right thing... and it was a mistake... I honestly dont know what I would do if I where to ever lose him... I know life will continue but things just dont seem right without him.
What do I do from here? I had the perfect opportunity to tell him the truth, and I still lied... and lied, and lied, until I couldnt lie no more... Trust me what is done in the dark always comes to light... no matter what... and there is no stopping it. Even when you almost think you got away with whatever, in all honesty you didnt and you never will.
I just dont know how I let my emotions get to me in such manner to betray my one and only... the love of my life... How could I honestly be so crazy to let this matter occur, and think I could just bury it deep within...
I dont know if he will be able to forgive me and move on, and I dont know if I can handle it if he did. But what I do know is I sure made my bed... so I guess either way I have to lay in it... no matter what I DID THIS, so I will have to deal with it...
WHat hurts the most... is that there is nothing I can do to fix it... If i can take all the pain from him I would ! but I cannot, and I hate that he feels how he feels, I hate that I am what caused him all this pain...
But I did... and now I have to live with whatever or however the situation plays out... Which sucks even more, because I want to be with him...
GOSH ! lost for words... I fucked up period.. and there is no turning back now... throughout all of this I have to stay focused, and positive, and try to be there as much as I can for him now. Until he decides what it is he wants to do...
I cannot be selfish, and make him stay here with me. No matter how much I want that.. I have to allow him peace, and happiness, he deserves at least that much. It will be painful on me... but I have to say I deserve it... I made the biggest dumbest mistake ever, and now I have to deal...
What bothers me is he thinks I dont care, and I am just like yeah whatever deal with it or leave... and I am sure that is how i am coming off... But I do care, and I do not mean suck it up or go... I just dont want his every thought to be so negative... and I know thinking about me, and what I did is only making all thoughts he has bad.
I just dont want him to be stressed out, and I want him to be at peace, and happy. I cannot make him stay with me if it only causes him more pain, and more hurt. I have to be the bigger person...And allow things to go how they go...
Now I have to stuck it up and deal real talk...
I made my bed now only I have to lay in it... and I cannot make anyone else lay in it with me... :(
No matter what though... gotta stay focused... and positive... gots to!
