April Showers, Bring May FLOWERS????

WHOA!!!! Next month my darling sister will be a HIGHSCHOOL GRADUATE!!!!!

I am sooo excited!!!!

We have her Invites, we have ordered her dress!!!! we just need to find out who the heck is catering her OPEN HOUSE!!! ANY SUGGESTIONS????? I am almost thinking about buying a bunch of finger foods... I am not sure yet but time is ticking so we got to do something, and do it sooN!!!

     Jade is disrespectful as hell ! I woke Julian up so he can  go and get her, and she yells at me for him yelling at her? WTH !!! anyhoo Back on point!!

SO My plans are still the same I will be so relieved after all this grad stuff is over!!! I have My second job popping, but I have been slacking in school so I am getting back right with that!!! and becoming more focused!!!

I was sick with food poisening last week, I was sad because I had to call in I was throwing up and practically living in the bathroom, but I was sad because I hate calling off, I feel like I am a disappointment when I call in... And I need not to miss out on any money!!! so yeah it was rough...

Soooo excited!!!

I did  get a email for summer asl classes, and it got me all hype!!! and I am so ready to  do it!!! but I have to do some other things first!!! Prioritize!!!

I am beyond sick and tired of living with my UNCLE! Do not get me wrong, I am more than thankful that when things got rough and Jade and I had to leave when we left, that he was more than willing to open his house to us... He is always more than willing to help me and he is like my daddy! BUT at the same time I am grown, and he still treats everyone like we are little kids... and it jsut doesnt work... Like I love him to death, but he needs his own space, and  Jade and I need our own space... so we have to make it happen!!! before we all kill each other!!!!

     I wanted to wait until I rebought  alot of stuff, but the only thing I am worried about having is the kitchen, bathroom, and  another dresser, once I buy all those things Ima move into a empty ASS APARTMENT! and work from there!!! I am just ready to go!!!!


Well that is about all I have for now, this meeting is about over, and Jade wants to go get her computer!!!! sooo we are outta this thang!!!! THank you everyone for READING my blogg and my poems!!! Have of the time my bloggs are random as hell, but my poems mean something to me!!!!

Have a great saturday!!!!

Unknown

You say your not a whore, But yet another man just walked out your door. That you reference to as John Doe because their names are something you do not know.

Now you've added another notch to your bed post, 

and these men all disappear like ghosts.

You lye alone every night with no one in sight

Asking God where is Mr. Right?

How can you give away your love so easy and then think your not sleezy?

You think your grown and romantic, why not have sex if "your man wants it"

However being your man was never the plan why work for something if it can get handed out to em. 

See your not even a win to these men, because they all know that THEY ALL BEEN, inside of you .

Lusting for you? is something men do not do, because when they are ready they just have to approach you. 

I just want to know how does that make you feel? How can you even deal? Giving up your love to every man & above. How do you sleep at night knowing that you've fucked everyone insight? How do you hold your head high? Because if I were you I'd just cry...

These men think your a joke just something for everyone to poke. 

They disrespect you, and neglect you

But yet some how you think its cool.

Ready to fight on sight if insulted or treated impolite

But you choose'd  this life!

To bare yourself with all this strive!

and until you decided that your worth more than some man's sex pride

NOTHING WILL CHANGE in this game you will remain the same....

That girl that everyone fucked, with no NAME.

2013 New Out LOOK!!!

 

 

Okay Readers, my last blog was emotional, and I havent wrote since then! SOrry I was under a lot of stress, and felt like my own family was betraying me, and my feelings! A lot is going on now but all good things! SO shall we begin?

 

First thing first, My sissy is only months away from graduating HIGHSCHOOL!!! YESSSS!! I am so proud of her! like this is great and I am excited!!! With that being said I have some planning to do for her graduation, and open house! I got a venue for her open house, I have all her invitations made! I just need to order the invites, and find catering for her open house! Now Her graduation we need to find a place where we are all going to have dinner afterwards which shouldnt really be to hard to do but we need to figure it out and make reservations ASAP!!!

 

These next few months are going to be HECTIC I am trying to go back to two jobs, and go to school so that is all crazy within its self. But also with Jade graduating, and all the financial aspects that go with that. AND by summer I want to be moving back into my own place CO-shared with my sister... it will be OUR PLACE!!!

 

 

 

 

When I left my apartment, I threw almost everything away, dishes, microwave like everything I took very little and left very fast! meaning Jade and I are literally starting fresh with everything. I feel like with everything that is going on, and the time frame I have placed I am really making it impossible to accomplish! but ANY THING IS POSSIBLE! if we are both serious we can get everything done in no time! I do not doubt us at all!!!!

 

So here is my goal/todo list to live by!!!

1. Order Jades Invites
2. Find catering/dinner resturant for both grad events
3. save money
4.save money
5. save  money
6. start buying household objects
7. apartment hunt
8. MOVE


Here is the twist within all that I am still working towards throwing myself the most awesomest birthday bash ever!!!! I figure with two jobs, and Jade will help too we should be able to knock this list out with only a few punches... so I am far from worried about it! I am in a good place, and I am ready!!!

 

As everyone can see there is a lot of stuff that is going to be going on in the next few months, and I have never been more exicted EVER!!!

 

OH I forgot to mention Fall 2013 I am going to be starting ASL classes learning to sign has always been something I have really wanted to do and I am going to finally do it!!!

 

Lets recap, I will be working two jobs full time, going to college, taking ASL classes, hopefully getting back in the GYM SOON! #NEEDIT planning events, and saving money! lIfe is about to get crazy!!!! But I am ready!!! Jade will be buying a car soon we are being patient and not rushing into anything, and we are really taking on our new lifes a day at a time, and I couldnt feel more grateful!!!

 

 

Ohhhhhh and I also forgot to mention I AM STILL SINGLE!!! bawhahaha and I love it! I mean no lie, there are times when I miss that relationship feeling of being in a relationship.... but I am so much more focused on ME and what I need to do then I ever have been before!! and it is good for me to stay single for a while, because I fall hard, and love deep, and when I am in a relationship I seriously will give that person my all if I feel they are worthy... And then where does that leave me with me?

 

I have a lot of things I want to do, and need taken care of before I try to wrap myself up in anyone or anything... and I know this, and understand it... so this experience should be fun, crazy, and stressfuL! but it is going to be the best ever!!!

 

 

JADE AND I willl DEF have some sort of house warming dinner or something... maybe... lol!!!

 

 

Well I know this blogg is everywhere but I am really tired, and should actually be training for my second job but I cant function right now to even do that....

 

BYEEEEEEEE for now but not ever!!!!

 

 

P.s I am still working on my BOOK as well, not as much as I DEF should be but baby steps it is for now!!!

 

 

thanks for reading!!

MY FAVORITE F WORDS February & FUCK

I am beyond fed up with everyone!!! I feel like I am not the type to be all in my feelings, I never really react to anything... I don't ask for people to sit and listen to me cry! BUT at the same time I AM HUMAN and I do have feelings rather I wear them on my sleeves or not is not the issue the issue here is people need to realize that I bleed the same way they do!! PERIOD! 

I feel like people think I am a robot with no feelings... I am not aloud to think, breath or talk unless someone needs me to and I am fed up! 

I am FUCKING SORRY THAT I WAS TOO WORRIED ABOUT YOU TO SEE WHERE I WAS AT WITH EVERYTHING!!! I AM SORRY THAT ALL MY LIFE I HAVE BEEN PUTTING Y'ALL BEFORE ME, THAT YOU NOW CANNOT STAND THAT I ACTUALLY HAVE FEELINGS... i AM SORRY THAT YOU BELIEVE OR THINK ALL I SHOULD BE WORRIED ABOUT IS YOU AND YOUR FEELINGS....

I feel like I have been a damn good sister... I have never EVER TURNED my back on any of my siblings.. EVER but the first time I just need you to listen to me to hear me out... to just listen... you cant even do that??? 

I am supposed to hold everyone down emotionally, spiritually, and physically, but me I am not supposed to do shit for myself???

I just feel like no one cares to listen they hear whatever they want to hear, and take what they think they heard and run the fuck away with it!! 

honestly FUCK ALL OF YOU AND WHAT YOU THINK... I am so done with everyone it is truly sad that it has come to this point... it is sad to know that I am here trying to hold everyone together, and no one GIVES A DAMN TO MAKE SURE ARIELL IS OKAY...

But then again rather or regardless how i found out.. at least I did find out... everyone really only cares about them self's, and here i am trying to put everyone else before me when everyone else is putting themselves first!!!

I feel like I have been trying to say enough tell her enough so she knows whats going on... I don't need to tell her everything I am a grown ass women... she don't tell me shit when I ask her... 

I have been trying and trying to please everyone and still make sure what I need to get done to move on is getting done... but i am the bad guy of course!!!

I am starting over, and I knew this shit wouldn't be easy but I didn't think my siblings would be so quick to think so poorly of me... But I should have known... Mother fuckas always bits the hands that feed them now and days... NO LOYALTY... but I am good... I thought we were better than this but I see we are not.. and its fucked up

How do you move on, and grieve a lost if your not aloud to show no emotion without someone trying to belittle you?

like here is where I am... I do not want to be with my ex... at all that thought has not even crossed my mind... DO I miss my best friend>? yes... Most def do! I am upset that shit happened the way it did... I put a lot of things in question, and I feel like I am in a good place now... I DO NOT WISH anything bad on the man..... I do still feel some sort of way towards him.. I mean damn near five years of my life was spent with him... but will I get over it 100% yeah I will and I am working towards it everyday...

Its a work in process, but the betrayal that was made with him will be something I can never get over... and it is sad that my siblings do not know me well enough to know that, they mean more to me than anything on earth...

but I guess I need to get my priorities together because I obviously am only of use to them when they need something....

I just thought I would have more support then what I do... But its all about these fools over here, and if its not about them they dont listen, or they twist your shit to some how make it be back about them...

Y'all made it clear my feelings don't matter again its good to know...

Thanks for the FUCKING MEMO!!!!

Fuckers... I am done! seriously... smdh

BUT..........

I am Who I am... PERIOD

So, I think I am coming out of this feeling....

    I know you might be thinking what feeling? Looking puzzled huh? Well I have been kind of feeling down... because I am starting 100% over in life... With MY LIFE... Like I am single out of a over four year relationship... and Basically since I have been living on my own, I was with my EX... So I never really lived on my own for real... So I accomplished a lot of things, WE ACCOMPLISHED a lot of things together...

BUT NOW I am starting over 100% and I am going to be accomplishing a lot of things on my own... I did not look at it like that at first.. I was just so caught up in everything I lost, and how I built it all that my ego was hurt! I felt like my ego took a big hit!!!

     Now I have realized that at some point in every one's life we have to stop and ask for help. No matter how independent we are we have all received some sort of help along the way rather it was BIG OR SMALL we have received some help...  I was at a point where I felt as if since I did need some help I have failed as a person, as a role model as a being....

BUT THAT IS NOT THE CASE!!!! I did not fail as a person... I did fall! but I am getting right back up!!! 

I even thought that I should be right up and running within a few months... But there is a lot of things I need to take care of and I do not want to rush into anything! I want to take my time, and do everything the right way... SO this year I have been focused on what I need to do to make Ariell's Life better, and back on point.... I have been staying focused, and trying to do everything I need to do to get back right! and I will...

I do have goals and dead lines on when I want certain things done, and over by, and SOOOOO far everything has been going to plan!!!!

         On another note my baby Jade is a SENIOR this year!!! *tear* I am sooo proud of her! and I have been slacking in planning her open house, and preparing the things I need to, to make sure everything with graduation goes accordingly... SO I am kicking myself in the butt and I am getting it together!!! Today I will pick out the pictures for her Graduation Invitations, and her Open House Invitations!!! I could have order the invites from the school with her Senior stuff but they were so Formal and BLAN... I want her invites to be LOUD AND BRIGHT!!! because her personality is LOUD and BRIGHT... so that is what I am aiming for... I need to check into a few venues for her Open House as well! And I need to figure out where we are going to dinner after graduation! I am so excited, and proud of her I cannot wait for her to graduate!!!! Then off to COLLEGE... Well I am not quite sure if she is leaving right away or going to go locally for a while.. EITHER way she is DEF starting college right away!!!! 

VALENTINES DAY is coming!!!! It is my Uncle, and my Aunts Birthday as well! I am not to big on Valentine's day this year.... Normally every year I want to go all out and do something sweet and romantic.. but this year I'm not! I am going to have  a date with my LOVELY JADE!!! (my little sister) and I work that night... SO that sounds like a good day to me!!!!!

AUGUST 24th, 2013 !!!! Is my 23rd birthday! and this year I really wanna go big!! SO I have been checking into Venues to have a VIP spot at a club in Indiana, because my BEST FRIEND, and God Sister are there and they are whom I want to party with so I think it would be more fun to just go there... and it gets me out of town for the weekend!!! I also have been checking in to some Reality Stars hosting my party!!! As everyone knows I LOVE the BAD GIRLS CLUB!!! ;) so I am looking into a FEW BADDDD Girls to come and host my party... Have been talking back and forth to their booking agents... But nothing is set in stone with them because August is still so far away, and they can be doing anything come that time!!! but I am DEF working HARD to make it all happen for me this year!!! 

      So with all that being said this year is going to be a good year! I am sure of it!!! With the party thing, I will not pay or go all out on a party if other things are not taken care of so the party is like a motivational present to myself.... Like "Hey you worked hard, and handled business, Now party like a rock star!" We all need a little push, and we all deserve to treat ourselves every now and again.. there is nothing wrong with that!!!!!

Oh and I discovered, that I am loud, rude, and very judgmental, I mean I have known these poor qualities for  a while now... But I am also very big hearted, and I some times care more than I should... Either WAY I am me! and I am very proud of my STRUGGLE!!!!! because I am strong enough to get through anything, and I know this! I know I can!!!!


I LOVE ME!!!!


Thanks for reading :)

Thinking...

I feel like I have so much on my mind! So much to say, but then when I turn to write it is like my mind goes blank! Why can't I just write what I am feeling? What is holding me back?

I feel like I am stuck! 

I am not quite sure on what either! 

It is like the harder I try the more crap that falls into my lap! and I know I know things normally do get worst before they get better... BUT FUCK! lol I am not quite sure how many more step backs I can handle right now...

Its a whole new world... a whole new experience I am going through... and there is good and bad times... But luckily I have some very good friends in my corner rooting for me... that helps a lot and I am so great full for them. 

Valentines Day is coming up! This will be the first Valentines day IN YEARSSSSS that I will not be in a relationship, or in a relationship LIKE situation. 

At first I did not know how I felt about that... Like I was thinking man this is going to suck! the day that is supposed to be all about LOVE I have no one that LOVES me to spend the day with...

I have gotten several offers for the whole Valentines day thing... and I mean it made me feel good to know there are some people whom would want to spend that day with me... 

But... what is that day if it is not spent with WHO YOU REALLY WANT TO SPEND IT WITH? I do not want to spend my holidays with just anyone! if there is going to be a someone, I want it to be someone I generally care about... and if it can not be spent with that person then I rather just spend it alone...

I LOVE ME... so If anything I will buy MYSELF a teddy! and cuddle up in MY BED and watch romantic movies with MYSELF! because I love me enough to spend time with myself! and I am good with that...

OF COURSE no one wants to spend Valentines day alone, no matter how much you love yourself, your "supposed" to be with someone! As society has placed it in our heads anyways....

Being single has it's ups and it's downs, because I love the fact that I can do anything I want to do whenever I want to do it... But then you get this to these points sometimes where you want to generally talk to someone who cares about you that is the opposite sex... Like I guess I miss all my guy best friends, that I slowly but surely gave up when I got in to my last relationship.. Which was stupid on my part because we were just friends... But at the time my "man" was the only best friend I thought I needed...

SO yeah I def will get used to it just being me... it might take me a little bit but I am slowly but surely adjusting to being single...

Im struggling on my new journey but I'll admit it... its a STRUGGLE a NEW KIND of STRUGGLE... and in the end it is all going to be worth it... I know it will. And although things might suck and be rough now! I will appreciate everything I put together much more once it is all taken care of!

Well this Blog is not as interesting, and might be kind of boring... but I just felt like I needed to write something... so I did.... 

Thanks for reading!

Letting go & finding ME! Seriously!

So today I received a big dose of reality!

And honesty it made me want to cry a little!

I have been a little emotional these last two days I HAVE NO IDEA WHY!

But I was talking to my BEST FRIEND :) . 

And she helped me realize that I am paying much to much attention to people whom will never really be there for me like how I am wanting them to be! That I am making people important whom do not deserve to be important!!

She helped me realize some of these feelings I think I am having might not be as real as they seem to be to me!

She told me I need to basically cut some people off and regroup because I am giving others the upper hand in my life! and I never thought about none of this stuff in this manner but the more her and I talked the more I realized she was right!

It made me sad no lie! It is like I am trying to attach myself to someone, to feel the comfort, and friendship, and closeness I had in my prior relationship. 

I do not think I gave myself "enough time" to really move on... I just jumped back in the game thought I was ready to play, and I guess I am really not. 

Which it does and does not suck. Like I do not want a relationship, I am enjoying being single! BUT my actions towards certain situations puts me off to seem like I want a whole commitment from someone... and I do not want that! NOT NOW...

I have been in a relationship for soo long, so being single I guess takes some adjusting that I never really thought it would. But it does. 

And honestly until I get back right I do not really need to focus on anything or anyone else. I know this! 

I really do cherish all my friendships, and I enjoy the people in my life! but it comes down to the fact that....

I AM NOT ABOUT TO KEEP INVESTING SO MUCH TIME INTO PEOPLE WHOM DON'T INVEST THEIR TIME INTO ME!

I know everyone has there own things going on and no one can drop the ball for me at any given time... BUT IN THAT SAME VOICE If these PEOPLE REALLY CARED ABOUT ME, THEY WOULD TAKE THE EXTRA STEP TO SHOW ME...

Period. I am going through a lot my emotions have been everywhere I do not think I know what is real and what is not real right now. 

Which is sad.... My life has changed soo much in such a short time frame, and everyday I hold back tears and realize it gets harder, and harder the next day to do the same. 

But My Best friend, told me I would be okay.... Some how I feel like I will not be okay! I know time heals everything... But to me time is suck, or has me stuck in these emotions. 

It is not even that I am stuck in my old relationship either. Those emotions from that situation, have come and gone. I was upset, I faced reality and I am good.

I think the fact that I have come so far, and now I am starting over... for real for real has me emotionally every where because I am so afraid of not getting back where I want to be. Or just of failure in general! 

She also went on to tell me Mr. Right is real.... I was like really? So you read my blog? LOL 

Basically I need to let go of the rift raft, and some of my "pretend emotions" and get fucking serious over here! 

Not letting go of friendships I want to keep those, but these feelings I think I might have or emotions I think I might have within a lot of different situations, I am going to move on from... With my best foot fourth. It might not be easy, and it might be super hard! but I think I am strong enough to pull it together! SERIOUSLY! I have been fucking around for long enough!

Putting GAME FACE ON! & I think I am seriously ready now...

I just need to focus on me! SERIOUSLY!!! on my SCHOOL! my WORK!! my LIFE! and it doesn't mean that I do not have room for others, it just means I need to only have room for those whom have room for me in their life's!!

SO if you do not have room for Ariell Guyton-Smith, I am so sorry but she doesn't have room for you either! If I matter you will make room and make the right shit happen! if I don't then you won't...

But at the end of the day! I will see what is and is not real! and I am not going anywhere blind sided anymore! I am good with the stupidity.

THANKS! everyone for listening to me blab! haha!