DROWNING!!! CANT BREATH!!! HELP!!!

 

I some times feel like I am drowning, Like I am under water cant breath, and everyone is walking past me! Like they can see I am drowning but they do not offer to help me at all!

 

Do not get me wrong! I am not looking for hand outs, or for anyone to actually give me anything!

I just feel like I have no one to really talk to and understand where I am coming from. Even when I do talk to people, and try to brain storm some things it still doesn't seem like enough!!!

 

 

Like I am drowning alone, and until I figure out how to swim no one can help me!!

 

 

I wish I knew a quit answer, and I do not. I do not have a quick answer to any ones questions, not even my own!

 

 

But that is the thing though! what if someone comes along, and See's me drowning, and offers there hand and I cannot take it? I do not know why I feel like this, I  do not feel depressed, but at the same time I do not feel happy! I am like stuck in between those two! I know with everything I got going on it will be a while before I see any changes, but that while seems like eternity! and I do not know some times if I can make it though all of this... 

I feel so stuck! and I honestly hate feeling this way, I am not normally the one to bitch about life or cry a river, and for the most part I haven't been, but I am feeling cornered, and I am afraid that soon I am going to come out swinging and it all be on the wrong people...

I fear that my choices are not good ones, and I am questioning my every move. I used to question my own moves prior, but it has gotten serious like SHIT IS GETTING REAL PEOPLE!

 

lol

 

So in the end I am trying to sort things on a more slower aspect, I need to budget to the fullest, stop spending money on bullshit, because sadly I tend to do that often, and really focus on everything, I have bills to pay and my car needs to be fixed! Like I cannot go without my ride! and there is something seriously wrong with her, excepts I have no clue what is really is and need to get it figured out and taken care of asap!!!!

Some times I get lost in my own concerns, and I don't know how to get outta that, but I have to keep telling myself I have to stay focused, it is the only way i am going to get everything I need done in a timely manner!!!!

I feel like I got this, but the discourageness in my heart feels like it has more power over my courage side! but I have faith, and I damn well have fight!!! so I gotta do what I gotta do!!!!

 

Thanks for listening!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ENDING NOVEMBER!!!

So today is the last day of November! Man where has this year went already?
      I have to say I have had some every good times this year, and some very bad times! So far I guess my November is ending on a weird note, but I will stay strong and hold on! I know how to swim and Ill be damned to drown for anyone!!

     I have learned this month that I have a few TRUE friends, and a few that were only my friends at their convience! I have ended a long relationship! which It ended VERY BAD! It has had me question my whole last four years, man when you think you really know some one, you have NO IDEA!

And in the end I have learned that at the end of the day all you really have is family, rather you all get along all the time or not there always going to be there, and around because they are your family.

I also lost my cat which I am so DEVASTATED! ugh I feel so icky about Garfy not being at home, but I am going to try to look  around some more for him, I had some people give me some good ideas on where I should look for him! I just hope all in all he is okay!!!!

December I have some big plans, to stay focused, and take a few trips! I deserve a good hang over right now! LETTMETELLYOU! lol I am going to start drinking water now so it will not be so bad! I will further explain my December plans possibly tomorrow, when December hits!!!

2012 is damn near over what do you have to show for it? I have made differences in my life, and struck a point where Ariell needs to be Ariell, and that is my main focus right now. Is School work, and bettering myself.

Everyday it is a struggle but there is not a big enough struggle where I am not going to over come it! No matter how hard I must work at it! I will overcome this current battle!!!

As for everyone who is feeling some sort of way about choices I have made thus far in my life!!! Y'all honestly can kick rocks! I am strong, and we are all HUMAN! and I do what I have to for my family!!! and myself! not a niggah or a bitch! I do me for me and mine! and until you judgers do the same get off me!!!!

Toddles for now but I promise not  forever!!!! stay TUNED for my DECEMBER ADVENTURESS'S!!!!

 

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!

 Wow, so where do I even begin??? Lets just say shit got real, and I am moving in the next couple of days! A  person whom I thought I trusted showed they couldn't be trust, and pretty much got there ass beat!

My  little sister no longer has her security, and it is time for us to go!

I do not even know what to feel or to think! I dont know where my feelings stand! when every thing happened my first thought was soley on my sister! and it still is I love her and she comes before everyone! even me! SERIOUSLY

But I stayed shell shock for so long, and I still feel like I am in shell shock! but I dont know what is happening now! I feel some sort of way and I am not sure what way that is.

Like I guess I am more confused and hurt all at the same time, I am mad at myself for trusting someone to be around my siblings! It is my duty to protect them, and I allowed someone close enough to potentially hurt my family!

Luckily nothing got to serious, and my sister is fine! she she wont have someone would have been dead seriously!

But still I guess I have put a lot of blame towards myself! So I am now working on moving, starting fresh, and taking time to get myself back in order! I wish these feelings I have would get themselfs back together and out of my way! I do not need a cloudy judgement right now!

I am tryna stay as strong as possible!!!! but it is hard! but I am doing my best for me and my family! So that is where I am now!!!

Changes: For Better Or Worst

 So I have decided to make some big changes in my life! Whch include leaving the relationship I am in, Leaving my apartmen and moving back in with my family, being more focused on me, school, and work! Which isnt so bad actually! I am pretty stoked about everything and cannot wait  for everything to fall into place!

I know I have cried woof several times before when it has come to leaving my relationship, but  M and I are in different places and we both know and understand these changes are for the best. We WOULD DEF PREFER to stay together, but I think we have both done enough damage in our relationship. We have lost our friendship, trust, and faith in one another, we have just been going through the motions of  trying to keep this relationship going without having any of that!

So it has been hard! we do however plan to stay cool, and try to rebuild our friendship, and possibly move forward. I do not know if we will really move forward with trying our relationship over! but we do plan on getting our friendship back as of now, which it can change later who knows.

We have been together for 4years so we have got a lot of stuff to seperate but for the most part I said he can have it all. I really want to start fresh NEW EVERYTHING! so that is my plan with that and how I plan to move forward.

I really plan on getting myself back together faith,health spiritually the whole  9 yards! I want to be a better person all the way around, so I plan to be just that! I want to focus more into budgeting, and saving because I have effortlessly failed a zillion times in that area. And I want school to be a success I am ready to earn my degree, and start my career! I was hoping by this time next year I would be on the verge of buying a house, but I need to work on me for a while, and I realize that now. I need to get Ariell back in order before I commit to anything else!

 

So Those are my plans for now, I do not quite know for sure when I am moving with my Uncle I am assuming it will be late August, early July! Because I want to wait until Jade graduates High School, I do not want to have to transfer her schools, as to my Uncle lives in a different city! and I just dont want to have to drive her back and fourth everyday either. So right now, I feel focused, and pleased with my desicion! and I am glad that M and I have came to a mutual desicion. I love him! I will always LOVE HIM! but we are different we have always been different, and Now our differences are bumping heads. I honestly feel like it is the damage we have both caused in our relationship. Because we used to have a very strong relationship, we were each others rock! and we have let each other slip through the cracks... ANYHOO I am ALSO STILL TRYING to write my TWO BOOKS! and I want that to stay a focus as well! I have been in contact with a few publishing companies! and things have been going well on that note! I just have to keep writing, and get them finished!!!

 

Well thanks like always for reading! and I am sure to keep my blog updated! it is my sense of release it seems like! I love to share and it is like my diary I guess! Have a wonderful DAY EVERYONE!!!!

 

I hope everyone went out and voted!!!!!

 

I PROMISED

I promised I would write everyday! or at least try to BLOG everyday! But I get so busy, it is hard! plus I do not want to blog about meaningless stuff, and besides my poems everything has been pretty much about nothing...

First things FIRST I hope everyone is going out to VOTE OBAMA 2012!!!!

that is important!

Secondly I have just been working like crazy! I got all this senior stuff to pay for, for my sister, I have school myself, and I have to winterize Jade and I new coats shoes etc! so Yeah between work, sleep, and school! I have been quite busy!

I have also been trying to get another job, my work from home job is not strict enough for me, I think I can do whatever I want, and that is not the case... I guess I am not strong willed enough to work from home, and actually work!

For the most part I get over 40hrs everyweek from my work from home job, but I am scheduled 60, so over 40 is not enough time and effort I am putting in this job! and they do not need someone who is gonna half ass them!

But I also work over 40hrs at my third shift job to! So I mean I am not tryna get over, I am just tired, and then a full time student at that...

SO I have been working on getting my old job at Walgreens back! I miss it there, and that can be my second day job, and maybe only work my work from home here and there, when I want to or whatever!

WHo knows I might have three jobs here pretty soon if my manager will take me back because I went about leaving that job 100% wrong! so I dont know only time will tell!

But that is all I have for now! later EVERYONE

Enjoy your Saturday!

Monday ! 10/22/2012

For the first time in my life, I do not have the answers, I do not have a back up plan. And I am just going to try and make it through this with my best foot forward.

 

It is scary I always have a back up plan or can come up with one. But I have been thinking, and thinking, and I have nothing...

 

For the FIRST time in my life I am going to get through some things on a day by day senerio, and I do not know how I really feel about it... Not good I know that! but I am sure that I can handle everything! I have been doing everything anyways! so what is it with doing it without a plan?

 

On another note, Sorry I am just unfocused, this not having a plan thing is really bothering me. I always ALWAYS have plans, and like three back-up plans to go with them, and right now my mind is every where searching, and its hard for me to keep my train of thought!

 

 

OKAY besides that, I have enrolled back into school, and it is going great! it could be better but my schedule is so crazy! Like I should be a millionare all the time I spend at work, and not to myself or anything else.

 

 

So I have came to a conclusion that I need better time management! and I am currently working on that.

 

 

I need to just sit be calm, and breath! Something will show me what my next route is! and I will wait for a moment, but not forever!

 

Have A great week everyone!

Sunday

Happy Sunday!!!!

I'm chilling alone on this decent day! I worked a few hours this morning, then I took my sister to work! I wrote the poem below, which I am going to get into in a moment. So yeah my Sunday has been about doing errands...

Now as for the poem I wrote, it is kinda deep I think. If you knew the situation it would make the world of sense. But yeah I cannot keep putting myself out there on the line.

 

Its weird last year around this time, I was so worried about losing him due to my infidelities and this year this time I couldn't be more happier to say I am done! I am free and I will get all my ish back to where it needs to be!

 

So those are my goals and I am sticking to them! That is all for now! But of course I will keep my blogger up to date on what is going on and with poems or writings!