Friday! 10/19/2012

Hey everyone! So i have been randomly writing poems, and posting them!

I am good I think, but I am working to be great!

I want everything I write to be really good! I want people to not be able to get enough of the things I write, rather there books, or poems etc!

 

But like I said I am trying to make sure I write on here something everyday! to get myselfback motived and back together... I am going to kinda use this as an online diary! because I have so much stuff I need to take care of, and I feel like the more I write or talk about it the more I will get done or do things about it!

 

So that is my plan!!! it is FRIDAY everyone hope everyone has something fun or relaxing planned for there weekend.

 

I think I might go see Taken 2, but I need to do some cleaning, so I might just stay here at home, and clean, relax and get ready for my all day shift tomorrow!

 

I was supposed to work this morning but I fell asleep and Maurice didnt wake me up! Which it is not his responsibility to make sure I get up but dang!

 

My phone wasnt working anyways but I was willing to try anything I didnt want to miss anymore hours! I have to make better effort with this other job!

 

anyhoo I am in a meeting now, so I need to go but who knows I might write more and post it here later!

 

Havea  great weekend!!

First love

 

 

I couldn't deny you if I wanted to!

All I can do is smile, when I think about you!

We are so close, even though were so far apart!

I always keep room for you in my heart!

you have been with me through everything!

Sometimes I think our relationship is some wierd dream!

I cant believe its been so long,

17years of knowing each other, 10 years of being reunited

so much growing, laughing, and fighting

Were older now, and we had started back then.

But every time I talk to you it still feels like a Big win!

your my bestfriend!

you mean a lot to me!

The love I have for you should never leave you feeling empty!

Everyone gets filled with envy!

But we show no empthy, for those who dont understand.

But listen no matter what you'll always be my number one man!

I always thought one day you'd be the one to take my hand!

Your a father now, meaning someones dad!

Im not mad!

I was sad at first, but truely I am glad

that regaurdless the situation

you I once had!

Always there for you I will be!

no matter who what when!

you will see

that honestly your heart still belongs to me!

 

 

Love

 

I love you?

Do we hear that alot or not enough?

and is it Love or is it just Lust?

why do you love me I wonder?

is it because my heart has such thunder?

that it draws you in and you can not resist for all my love has to be a gift!

but if it is a gift in which who is it for?

is my soulmate a knocking at my door?

and when he comes how will I know?

or will my Love just start to grow?

I just want to know.

Who is to say we havent already let our soulmate go?

And if we did will we ever know?

that we had our chance with the one meant for us?

and now we wont get another glance?

Because I am sure I have found my right man...

Im not so sure he knows...

Im not real positive if i should pursue this situation or let it go?

For I am scared of rejection, and my heart cant take any more neglection.

My affection is to strong, and passionate,

 and I just want to share my love with some one that can match it.

 



October 2012

Wow, It has been so LONG since I blogged! So much has changed since my last blog! So here are some of my updates!

My boyfriend, and I broke up and he moved out. It was the worst situation I thought I ever had to go through! I cried everyday! it was bad!

I let my older sister move in long enough to destory my relationship with my bestfriend, and my boyfriend. Once those two people were done with me, my "sister" moved out.

I started to sink! I talked, beg and plea'd for my boyfriend to come home, he was gone for like 3 months almost! So we agreed to both go in 100% on our relationship and start over!

YES he came home... Since then I have gained custody of my younger sister, whom just turned 18 in September, but she is a Senior in High School! Having her has been a constant struggle. Like It is hard to differ from parenting,and just being a sister. Which makes are relationship harder to deal with as well... But for the most part her being her has been great!

My brother who is 19 and was living with me moved out this month! he got his own place, and I am so very proud of him! and was ready for him to move out! I know were all so close in age but I feel so much older than them. The stuff they like to do I do not really care for and vis versa!

I have stopped going to school, and restarted going back to school! things have been so crazy around here!

My diet plan failed, only because I was going strong to the gym, and I had some financial difficulties so I had to let my gym membership go, and that got me right back in my lazy mode.!

SO right now I am working two full time jobs, and I am full time student! and it is soo hard, but in the long run I will come out good!

and I guess that is about it for now, i want to post at least weekly on different subjects, topics etc... So I am going to make that a goal, and start on it!

Thanks for reading everyone!

Life Changing Mistakes...

Welp, I have to say... as much as people look up to me & have me on such high pedal stools. I make mistakes too, and this action I think it will alter my life...But not for the good...
   I hurt the number one person who is always on my side even throughout their own mistakes, and there is nothing I can do to take it back or to stop the pain... And for the first time in my life... I am scared I will actually lose him. I love him deeply but we have been through so much that I thought the wrong thing was the right thing... and it was a mistake... I honestly dont know what I would do if I where to ever lose him... I know life will continue but things just dont seem right without him.

What do I do from here? I had the perfect opportunity to tell him the truth, and I still lied... and lied, and lied, until I couldnt lie no more... Trust me what is done in the dark always comes to light... no matter what... and there is no stopping it. Even when you almost think you got away with whatever, in all honesty you didnt and you never will.

     I just dont know how I let my emotions get to me in such manner to betray my one and only... the love of my life... How could I honestly be so crazy to let this matter occur, and think I could just bury it deep within...

     I dont know if he will be able to forgive me and move on, and I dont know if I can handle it if he did. But what I do know is I sure made my bed... so I guess either way I have to lay in it... no matter what I DID THIS, so I will have to deal with it...

      WHat hurts the most... is that there is nothing I can do to fix it... If i can take all the pain from him I would ! but I cannot, and I hate that he feels how he feels, I hate that I am what caused him all this pain...

But I did... and now I have to live with whatever or however the situation plays out... Which sucks even more, because I want to be with him...

GOSH ! lost for words... I fucked up period.. and there is no turning back now... throughout all  of this I have to stay focused, and positive, and try to be there as much as I can for him now. Until he decides what it is he wants to do...

I cannot be selfish, and make him stay here with me. No matter how much I want that.. I have to allow him peace, and happiness, he deserves at least that much. It will be painful on me... but I have to say I deserve it... I made the biggest dumbest mistake ever, and now I have to deal...

      What bothers me is he thinks I dont care, and I am just like yeah whatever deal with it or leave... and I am sure that is how i am coming off... But I do care, and I do not mean suck it up or go... I just dont want his every thought to be so negative... and I know thinking about me, and what I did is only making all thoughts he has bad.

I just dont want him to be stressed out, and I want him to be at peace, and happy. I cannot make him stay with me if it only causes him more pain, and more hurt. I have to be the bigger person...And allow things to go how they go...

Now I have to stuck it up and deal real talk...

I made my bed now only I have to lay in it... and I cannot make anyone else lay in it with me... :(

No matter what though... gotta stay focused... and positive... gots to!

Stuck/Torn

Im I guess have reached a point in life where I am stuck on everything. Like I feel unsatisfied with almost everything. && I do not know if I am unsatisfied with things, or what. I feel like I always put everyone first all the time. Everyone else is number one on my list regaurdless of what it is.. I do and do for everyone else first, I never put myself or my feelings first, I am always so cautious about everyone else, and their feelings, and always trying to please everyone but me. And I feel like it is time for a change I DO NOT COME as number one on no ones list NO ONE honestly, and that is bullshit. So today is the day where I start new.. I am going to do things a little differently . To better benefit me. I do not want to sound heartless or uncaring.. but I care too much for everyone else, and do not get those same feelings in return.. and it sucks.. I feel broken..

Dreams

My friend brought this up today on facbook, and made me want to blog about it.

Dreams, they can be the best dream of your life, or they can be scary, and unpleasant. Sometimes I have dreams that I never want to awake from, and sometimes I have dreams that scare me awake.

I have dreams that seem so real. Like sometimes when something dramatic is happening in my dreams, and I might cry in my dream, I'll wake up crying for real. Or once I had a dream I was fighting, and this girl was trying to cut me with a knife, and I woke up with a stratch on the same spot the girl was trying to cut me. Or just thursday night I had a dream that my brother told me about some girl he had been seeing, and it felt so real. So when I woke up I was totally mad at him for my dream, that he knew nothing about.

I know sometimes in cases like the dream i was fighting, I might of been psychically fighting myself, or the air lol. I dont really know how else I would have got a stratch like that it was to wierd.

It is just so odd how these dreams are so alive, and vivid.. I always question my dreams like do they mean something, it is something I should look into or what?!?!?!

I love to sleep, and I love my dreams but why would they come to us so strongly if they are only dreams, and what makes us dream about half of the stuff we dream about. I was told that our dreams are based on what we ate, or what were thinking of when we go to sleep. But I sure never went to sleep thinking about fighting, or that my bf would be cheating, so why would those two dreams occur.

I guess it will be some researching I will do on my end to figure all this madness out. Because I need answers, and I need them now. ! haha I will kee you all posted on what I might find.. If anything good !

Thanks for listening.